Definitely a lot of angst packed into that. It's not something I'd usually go for -- there's a bit too much one bad thing happening after another in this for me, but your writing style is very strong and clear, and I like that.
I do have one question though: what's up with the 'copyright' note at the beginning? It comes on very strong, and if I may politely remind you, you're playing in someone else's sandbox. The characters belong to RT - so as much as you may have written this story, and devised the plot and setting yourself, at the end of the day you can't actually make any money off of it without RT's express permission.
I understand the desire to keep your work from being plagarised (there are few things more frustrating), but if you're that worried about it you might be better off creating your own universe which you can copyright.
I don't say this to be mean - but I did find that note pretty off-putting when I read it, which is a pity because your writing is very good. Keep it up!
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