Poor, poor Kouga, I've never seen him portrayed like this before; very insightful and a unique take on his character. I like that you took a much more gentle tone with this vignette. It comes across to me as Ginta taking a gentle, humourous, somewhat wry view of his pack leader.
Again, I noticed a few things to bring to your attention. I really can't help myself, I'm anal retentive. :( When I see something good, I want it to be perfect. ;) If you check through these, you will find that most are style suggestions: another word, or commas that will clarify your meaning, that sort of thing. I would also bet money that you wrote this in a hurry to post it. If you take a few minutes and read your work aloud, you will be surprised how many oops you can find. That's an old proofreaders' trick.
woman who is to be my mate for all eternity[.],” he bragged as he puffed out his chest. (this is a suggestion only, the way I read it, the text after the spoken text completes the thought, it is not stand-alone.)
if Kouga had been with the group [whom] who met their end at Kagura’s fan,
But neither [him] he nor his brother could be sure that Kouga
however, [he] Ginta could not be so sure. (again, this is just a suggestion. The way it is leaves the reader to wonder if 'he' is Hakkaku is the 'he' or Ginta. It's just to improve clarity.)
an off only to meet up with [them] his pack. (just a suggestion, for clarity)
It was only after he had reminded his leader that Kagome had been there at the fight[,] that the wolf leader froze and then proceeded to beat the living hell out of both him and Hakkaku before speeding off to go [and] save the damsel in distress. (just suggestions. the and is superfluous to the meaning of the sentence.)
full credit for saving Kagome, but, had they not reminded him, he would have pranced off (parenthetical phrase)
Kouga wasn’t very big on keeping promises, so this was [of] no big surprise.
Of course, Kouga wasn’t very big on keeping promises, so this was of no big surprise. After all, he refused to follow through with his promise to mate Ayame and only allowed her to come around so that he could rut with her without claiming her. Of course, the female wolf was quickly catching onto what he was doing, but she loved him and was determined to keep his attention the only way she could. (instead of using of course so often, here are some other words that might be of equal value: by all means, certainly, definitely, indeed, indubitably, naturally, obviously, surely, undoubtedly, without a doubt, absolutely, by all means, clearly, no ifs ands or buts, no mistake, positively, really, sure, unequivocally, unmistakably. I use Dictionary.com when I can't get to my Oxford dictionary. You might)
Lord Sesshomaru’s group had joined them and it was the youkai lord [whom] who had quietly pulled them aside after Kouga quickly got the hell out of the area,
Kouga was too lazy, too loud, and too [much] full of hot air to ever be able to claim the young miko.
He was everything that the youkai lord was not and, because of that, the youkai lord had already won the lady’s heart.
I compile lists of synonyms for commonly used words to make it easier to keep my writing fresh. When one uses the same word repeatedly, it tends to lessen the impact of one's writing.
KA, you are my secret vice. I've read all of the Inuyasha 'verse fics that you've posted and have loved them all. Winds of Change is probably my favorite, but this one shot collection could top that fic. I can see that your writing has matured in your absence; it's much stronger and your character development is even better. You view your characters with a little more humor now.
I love the path of justification Sesshoumaru travels in this little vignette. Ah, rationalizations, try to get through your day without one or two...
I don't want to offend you, after all, this is very well written, but there were a couple of little things that caught my attention:
And[,] it was that pride that made him corner that insolent wolf pup (this comma should be deleted)
Of course, this was all [do] due to the fact that his half-idiot’s pack
was on his lands and, as the half-breed’s alpha, he had a duty to protect the pack. (parenthetical phrase)
And[,] he was continuing that duty and that was why he was in the tree. (again, this comma should be deleted)
Yeah, this little tale is choice and the perfect definition of pride!
Oh dear,poor Kouga, this is going to be a wake-up call and a half when he discovers Kagome has already been claimed. Thanks for sharing!
That was wonderful! Told with your own sense of humor and irony. Can't wait to read the next sin.
Jess (Chapter 1) - Mon 11 Jan 2010
Lol that was good
I loved it, there's something about a prideful, yet horny, Sesshoumaru that I find terribly amusing. Thanks for sharing!
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