I loved this one. It was so awesome. I did not see anything wrong with it at all.
Ok, so my suggestion to you is to get a beta or just have someone look over your stories before you post them. Your grammer needs some work, but like I said this can easily be fixed. Try reading your story out loud. If you pause while saying a phrase, then there should be a comma. If not, you don't need one. Also, you had quite a few run-on sentences. Each sentence should have one subject and one predicate, no more and no less. Finally, is there some particular reason for the italics and bolding in your fic? They confused me. Bold or italic words or phrases normally show emphasis. Therefore, I did not see the reason for putting the word hakama in italics or having every pronoun bolded. Think about these things before you finalize your story. How is your reader going to interpret something? Remember that your reader does not know how the story played out in your mind. They only know what you tell them. So, don't be so quick to assume something is going to be understood, explain, but don't OVER explain. Do this and your story will be ten times better than it already is.
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