This story has amazing potential! You have great ideas and clearly put a lot in to what you write. There were however lots of spelling, gramatical and form issues. The assistance of a beta would be super helpful in this. You can always request one in a forum thread.

Well this is definately an interesting start, but I believe you would benefit from the help of a beta. Some of your sections aren't very clear, and seem to be rushed a little. A beta could help you straighten things out so they aren't as hard to understand, and it could also be that you just need to flesh things out with a few more details to really make this work shine. Over all you did a pretty good job, and with a little work this story will blossom into a real jem.

I think this is a good start. You might want a beta reader. It always helps to have someone reread your work. You also might want to consider spacing some of the longer paragraphs. There are a few long ones. Overall I really like it and want to see were your story will go!

Very interesting start but I would recommend getting the help of a beta.  There are quite a few issues that need to be address in order to help your story really bloom.  Some of the things that I noticed were more than one speaker in a single paragraph, use of all caps, some paragraphs were too big which can make it hard to read on a computer screen, and it seemed a bit rushed.  I did like how you made your first scene changer, when it went to a flashback, 'The flashback played back in his head...' but after that you started using ()'s which can be rather distracting.

With a little bit of work you could have a really great story going here and I wish ya luck :).