Scherherazade (Chapter 9) - Sat 24 Apr 2010

You have the bones of a great story here.  But the plot needs more development.  Things tend to be rushed and somethings don't make sense like for instance in the very first chapter when Kagome is naked with Sesshoumaru in the hot spring.  I don't believe she'd be that blase about being naked around a male she barely knows and whom has been hostile to her and her friends in the past.  I don't think she'd have been able to retain her composure.  That being said Sesshoumaru makes some good points about Inuyasha's poor leadership but I don't really get him volunteering to be her tutor with no real explanation or Kagome's easy acceptance of his statement.  I think this story could really be fantastic with some work. It's a fabulous idea.


Ikaru (Chapter 9) - Wed 21 Apr 2010

This has the potential to be a good story, however it needs some work to make it be all it can be. First off, I felt everything was extremely rushed. I found it difficult to find and follow the actual plot here. The easiest way to fix this is to go in and flesh everything out with details. There were also numerous spelling and grammatical mistakes, but nothing an editing session won't be able to fix. I wish you luck with this, and I'll look foreward to seeing more of your work in the future.


Teana (Chapter 9) - Tue 20 Apr 2010

I found this story to be extremely rushed. The details were lacking. You jump from one thought to another without anything inbetween. I would suggest for you to ask the help from a beta. There were many grammatical errors and misspellings. You have the basis for a good story, but in my opinion, you should try to slow down, explain everything in one situation before you start the next. I feel that you could be an amazing writer with a little help. 


Hairann (Chapter 9) - Tue 20 Apr 2010

Noticed a slight error with this one, you have it listed as a one-shot collection but it seems to be a chaptered story so think you put the wrong one by accident.  For the story itself, I would really recommend reworking an outline and rewriting it.  There were quite a few holes in the plot itself, including Kagome defeating a Taiyoukai by herself right after saying she was untrained, a random dragon showing up and becoming her pet, as well as many grammer and spelling errors.  I think you could have a really decent story here if you take some time to go back over it.

On a side note, you really seem to like hot springs and alpha storylines dont'cha? :P


Sessylove219 (Chapter 1) - Mon 19 Apr 2010

Another interesting hot springs scene from you! First off, I strongly suggest you get a beta...There are some serious spelling and grammatical errors here that you really should think about getting corrected. The story would flow much better if they were gone. Also, I think that you should try to give more detail to the story. Why would Sesshoumaru make the offer to protect the pack at night, and train Kagome? It doesn't seem like he would waste his time doing something like that. Try to take the time doing those things.


Angelicatt (Chapter 9) - Mon 19 Apr 2010

It's an interesting story line that you have going here but it was very rushed, had quite a few spelling, grammar and sentence structure issues and unfortunately lots of unexplained plot holes:

Why would Kagome concede to being naked in the spring with Sess, no matter who he is?

Inuyasha's acceptance of Sesshoumaru's prescence in the pack..pack dynamics would change and automatically make Sesshoumaru the new default power, by his sheer power and hierachy over the hanyou.

Why and where did the little dragon suddenly appear from? How do you know it's from England? There are dragons in Japan (Ryukotsusei) and they are the Inu's mortal family enemy. He's in the first couple chapters then just disappears.

She confesses that she is untrained and lacks control but some how manages to shoot 3 arrows at once and kill another daiyoukai lord, who managed to barely get scratched as he fought and hurt both InuYasha and Sesshoumaru - Sess rarely breaks a sweat in any fight in the manga/anime and movies and he is reputed to be the strongest of the lords.

The notion that Kagome inherits the Eastern kingdom, is somewhat far fetched but then you compound it by not only having her accept it so willingly but also somehow kill Naraku in between ch 8 and 9 and no one else knows about it. This goes back to the issue of her unknown power level - she is far from being omnipotent.

I want to see you continue this but the story itself could probably use a redo and the need to have a beta help with the grammar and readability of the piece. My advice is the outline the whole story, chapter by chapter, include as much detail and description as you can - decribe everything - people, places, events, emotions. It might be a lil bit of work but it will be worth it in the end. Good luck and keep writing.


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