I like the basic idea of your story. It's a great concept but I believe that you should work a little bit more on adding more details into your story. The events appear to be happening too fast (unless of course this is purposefully done for a comedic effect, then it works fine ^_^). There are also some places where there appears to be a lack of information or just a random skip in the story. For example in chapter 1 when Kagome meets Rin. There is no mention of the two of them talking or playing. So it is very strange that Rin would automatically know the name of Kagome and the cat. Characters and events also appear to be randomly placed and semi-spontaneous. (Rin is randomly there, Naraku suddenly pops up with no background information or more detailed description of the Shikon, Rin makes a totally random wish). I think it would seem less like that if the pace of the story was slowed and if more details were added as mentioned before.
xD But again the idea is pretty good! I think an outlining your story or chapters would be a good way for you to improve your writing. It would definitely help with the paceing of your story. After jotting down the broad aspects of what you want to happen in your story you can go back and add more information and descriptions. This of course is just a suggestion...and a very non-creative one at that =P but I thought I'd bring it up anyways....^____________________^ Keep up the great work!
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