Wow it has been a while since I read this, I have to say that I loved it when I first read it and can't wait to see what all you continue to do with it.
I'm really sorry to tell you that, but I think you really need a beta. I think your plot is a good start, and your story has great potential, but the mistakes marring it all makes it difficult to read with the pleasure I'm sure it'd bring without them being there.
Don't get me wrong, this is no flame, and I hope I'm not offending you with my 'raw' honesty, but I think it would be in your best interest to ask for some help. Each and every author improves with time, so please consider my input like help to do so. I'm sure you could easily find a beta by posting a message in the dokuga forum. ;)
Dewa mata
| I loved this chapter. I hope to be reading more from you soon.
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