I don't know if this story really belongs on Dokuga because of the crossover. A lot of people probably have never watched Yu Yu Hakusho (it wasn't on tv in the US very long and the original airing was 5-8yrs ago) and the characters made the story quite confusing.

You rushed the story through and it seemed like Kagome experienced every emotion except grief for her murdered family, she showed more emotion for Genki, whoever that was. There were no paragraph spacings and the POV switches made it hard to keep up. A beta would be a great help to making this story a more commanding work.

Honestly, I could not get through this after Kagome's family was killed and she met up with the new characters. I don't know the other show at all, so they really don't hit any kind of recognition buttons with me at all. It seemed like she didn't show any kind of reaction to her family being killed at all. This seemed very strange to me. I would have expected more angst and emotion here. I guess I would recommend trying to slow down a little, and be a little mroe descriptive so that people that don't know these new characters can find out something about them. Thanks!

The idea is good, however the delivery needs some work.  

On the whole your story was very rushed.  I don't recognize the non-Inuyasha characters.  You need to slow down and flesh out  your characters more as well as develop your plot at a reduced rate.  This story would probably work better as a chapter story with details and background filling it out and giving the reader a better picture of what is going on.  I also suggest not switching points of view.  It breaks up the story's flow making the entire thing choppy.  I suggest possibly going with 3rd person point of view that way everyones thoughts can be included without interrupting the flow.  One last thing, Kagome's reaction to her family's death doesn't resonate with what is known of her character.  She almost seems to gloss over it.  This is an excellent example of where developing both the character and plot can make for a better story.

You've got a really great idea, but it just needs some work. 

Sorry but I can not finish this story, I ended up stopping just a few paragraphs into it.  It is far too rushed and truthfully it's not really believeable.  The scene with her finding her family like that, seemed to me like she was 'oh my family's dead?  no biggie'.  I couldn't feel any angst or emotion behind the scene.  The idea that she knew right then and there that it had been Naraku, didn't make any sense to me.  He has no way of getting into the future and even if he did, in case you wrote a way for him to later in the story, there was no way for Kagome to know that yet.  Now I can't really comment on the Yu Yu characters since I have never seen the show, but their first meeting with Kagome seemed so odd to me.  Almost like you were trying to explain too much in too few words.

First off: please!!! No more POV changes!! They break up the flow of the story so much!

Okay – *SQUEEEEE!!*  I absolutely ADORE Yu Yu Hakusho, so I’m thrilled to see a sess/kag crossover fic.  I think I had read this previously on ffnet before seeing it here actually… You have such great ideas for stories but they are constantly marred by poor mechanics.  I feel like I am repeating myself so many times >.<  I hope I don’t sound like a broken record… 

I am concerned about Kagome’s characterization though – She BARELY reacts to her family’s death and instantly starts chatting up the yu yu gang.  If it were me, I would immediately go on the defensive and try to methodically solve what had happened.  (And of course, I’d be emotional and angry)  Kagome automatically assumes it’s Naraku (which is reasonable) but divulges everything to perfect strangers.  That part was odd for me.  I applaud your great hiei characterization, but you made Kagome too trusting, too….callous for my tastes. 

This fic should have been a good ten chapters longer describing everyone’s relationship and the plot in greater detail.  It was a valiant attempt though.

ducky out!

this was obviously one of your earlier works, as i know you have improved greatly since this was written. The story as a whole holds merit, but it seemed a little rushed through the whole thing, and i can't really imagine Kagome comming home to find her family salughtered just brushing it off like she did, she seemed very very OOC, along with Sesshoumaru. there were also several spelling and grammar errors throughout, but other than that the story had a pretty interesting concept, and with a little editing it will truely be a wonderful story. Quick question though what happened to the YYH boys?? they seemed to disappear after Kagome left with Sesshoumaru to train...