I like this, but really, you should use spell check. Dieing is not the right spelling, it is dying. Other than that, I like it. Very nice.
Wow!! This is one of my favourite poems of yours! I think if you add in punctuation marks in some key areas (commas, exclamation points, question marks where appropriate), it would make a world of a difference. Without them, I feel like the poem just goes on and on in one big sentence: definitely not what you want readers to feel. There is so much desperation behind the words that you penned (or typed…). I think this was an excellent job.
ducky out.
The stanzas need to be broken up so we can see where the break are in it and be able to follow the rhythm easier. Other than that, it's a pretty decent, angsty read :).