I got what you were trying to portray in the story but you should have put a warning about character deaths at the beginning in case of younger readers. There was some spelling mistakes and sentence structure issues - something a beta could help with. However the note in the middle and what was her suicide note should have just been written as one would write a letter instead of center aligning it - it made it very hard to read and follow through. Any thoughts or spoken conversation, even if it was in the past should be in quotations or italized...I almost missed the first line completely for what is truly was. Your work has potential..just need a little polishing up.

I have to say that while I like poetry, I don't think that it added anything to this story. I would focus more on the Sess/Kag story. You could really make this more angsty by making the suicide letter without the rhyming scheme. The 'sappy' addition really pulled me out of the story. I would take it out. This is not your best work. I do like the premise. I would flesh it out a little, maybe try to give the reader a little more history between the all of the characters. I would like to see how they came together in the first place and how things fell apart. Try to get a beta. You are a promising writer. Keep at it!

Alrighty!  First off, I just want to say that this was a very interesting oneshot – not for what it had but rather for what it left out.  There is mystery surrounding Sesshoumaru’s cheating and emotionless mask towards Kagome.  There is mystery surrounding Kagome and Sesshoumaru’s relationship.  I like the fact that the reader must fill in the blanks.  Sometimes it’s good to leave some things out so that readers can visualize their own setting/story within the confines of your fic.  With that being said, I think that there are some odd aspects to your fic.  For example, Sesshoumaru repeatedly sleeps around with whores and detests it – yet he continues even after being concerned over Kagome. 

I must be honest: I do not like your characterization of Kagome here.  To quote Buffy (lol) “love makes you do the crazy,” but with Kagome – it was to the extreme.  She took all of his mental abuse and commits suicide in the end.  Personally, I’m not a big fan of a passive-aggressive heroine.  You could have made it more believable if you had described the nature of their relationship.  If I understood what was going on between Sess and Kag, then her decisions might have made more sense.  Also, Sango seemed to have been mean and dismissive towards Kagome.  From what I gather, this oneshot is canon, so I think Sango would have been a little more supportive. 

It might have been a better idea to set up a confrontation between Kagome and Sesshoumaru.  Kagome would have broken down and Sesshoumaru would have dismissed her.  She would then learn to control her emotions – learning from the best: icicle sessh.  This is just a random scenario that might have been more appropriate. 

What I did like was that Inuyasha was the one that gave Sessh the message about Kagome.  However, with the death of a close friend and possible paramour such as Kagome, I think that Inuyasha would have delivered the message in person along with a swift kick to Sesshoumaru’s gut. 

I hope you don’t take this personally, but I think the suicide note would have been better written in prose.  The line “I know this sounds sappy” takes away from the rest of the poem.  There is too much repetition of “happy” all at once.  Including for words for the sake of rhyming might be well and good in some instances… but in a suicide note, it destroys the somber mood the fic is supposed to create.  Maybe, if you spaced out your poem throughout the fic it might have been better…

Overall, good plot but you need to work on your mechanics.  Please continue writing because you have great promise!! ^__^

ducky out.

Gotta say that this was definitly not your best work.  I know you mentioned in the summary, I believe, that they would be out of character, but I feel these seemed to be completely original characters with their names pasted on.  I can not see Kagome killing herself over this, she is far too strong of a person to take such a cowardly way out.  I can believe her leaving him, but not taking her own life.  And I actually laughed when Sesshoumaru killed himself, and considering it wasn't meant to be funny, that's not a good thing.

I like that you were trying to do an angsty piece, since when done right they can be some of the most moving stories, but they can be rather difficult to write.  Truthfully I couldn't feel any emotions from them on this one and I know you can do better than that, so don't get too discouraged.  Remember to take your time writing and to give more detail about what's going on around them, rather than just speech and thoughts, it can go a long way to putting the reader into the story and makes the angst all that much more powerful.

well it was a sweet story but it was also very confusing, there wasnt enough background to make the story flow well, it was very choppy, and when you centered everything in the middle it made it very hard to follow. all in all you have a decent start but this story needs a little work to make it shine.

What a very sad story.  You conveyed Kagome's feelings of hurt and despair very effectively.  You also did a good job showing Sesshoumaru's feelings of guilt and remorse.

There were several problems with misspelled words and missing words and grammar issues which really detract from your story. Also there needs to be more background information it doesn't necessarily have to be long. But questions such as how they got together, were they mates would be very helpful.  You did explain Sesshoumaru's motivation for being unfaithful but not Kagome's for staying with him and then finally killing herself.  Suicide is usually motivated by something more than unrequited love or an unfaithful partner.  There is usually deep seeded emotional problems to begin with.  I recommend getting a beta.  There isn't a writer out there that doesn't benefit from editorial help.  

You have the bones of a good story and do a good job of expressing emotion. A bit of editing and this would be an awesome story.

A very bittersweet tale.  I would have liked to see a little more backstory to it, and I was a little confused about how Inuyasha knew about Kagome's suicide when Sesshoumaru didn't, as the story seemed to suggest that she had been living with Sesshoumaru, but it was still good.  Aside from issues with punctuation, it was well written.