And lose, and start again at your beginnings
If you can wait and not be tired of waiting
Life was perfect. Well, except for the fact that the chair she was sitting on had a wobbly leg, and the seat was so worn it had the imprint of her butt on it, which made it completely uncomfortable. The whole appearance of the seat was enough to divert any customers who didn't already know it was hers, but whatever. Kagome guessed it suited her purpose.
Her purposes being sitting and eating, of course. And playing Temple Run on her phone, because Seiji was helping a customer and couldn't come over to talk to her.
But all in all, life was perfect. Except for how she was fighting with her mom about college and gap years, and just life. She'd spent the last two and a half years running around on a quest with a cranky hanyou, perverted monk, fierce Taijia, and a baby kitsune, so unless she could major in being part of a band of misfits, (or spiritual powers, which she had grown surprisingly adept at handling) she didn't really think she was prepared.
Her mother had other ideas, though. You can't get anywhere without an education, Kagome. It was true, she understood that at least, but maybe she didn't want to be a CEO. Wasn't it okay to just be regular for once?
Kagome'd had way more than her fill of special. Being reincarnated as a priestess? Marching around Sengoku Judai in secret? Not being able to connect with the kids of her generation anymore because she didn't know what the Gundam style dance was or when it happened? Yeah, she could do without being that sort of special.
She felt someone tap on her shoulder, and promptly dropped her phone.
"Careful," Seiji's signature smile came into view and Kagome grinned. He leaned down to pick up her phone and handed it back to her. "Want something to eat? It's on the house."
"Oh, please. You know me better than that. Your lemon squares are made with Heroin. Hook me up, please."
Seiji laughed, his silver hair catching the light and jotted it down on his pad of paper. "I'll be back in a second."
She watched him walk away and took a sip of her strawberry smoothie, which she'd ordered an hour ago when she'd arrived. "Bring something for yourself!" She called after him, "We've got lots to talk about!"
And if his walk didn't make it obvious enough, simply put, Seiji was the epitome of male perfection. With his short, cropped silver hair that bordered on stark white, which drove the ladies mad, he was stunning. He was the kind of guy who could walk down the street and capture the attention of everyone around him. Tall, sincere, with a kind smile and knock out blue eyes that delivered the final blow, girls were absolutely hopeless around him.
And Kagome could ever only roll her eyes at him, and the girls who fawned over him, because she just didn't get it. She saw the appeal, but he definitely wasn't her type. She'd only ever been able to look at him platonically, and with the way he seemed to push girls to insanity every time he flashed a grin, she didn't want to be attracted to him.
They'd met only a year ago, when Kagome decided to finally go into the bakery that'd opened up a few years ago before called Tea for a Taiyoukai, and he had been the cashier. From the moment she'd met him, she saw through his wonder man disguise, right to his trouble maker whit. And the rest was history. He'd soon become one of her very best friends, and though she hadn't told him about her secret life five hundred years in the past, she knew she could.
That was simply the way their relationship was.
His family owned the bakery, his sisters and him working most of the shifts, and Kagome visited them often. Tea for a Taiyoukai was probably the best thing to happen to her area of Tokyo for quite a long time. Not only was the food to die for, but the whole family was extremely generous and nice towards her.
Aside from Seiji, she'd made friends with Usagi, who looked very nearly like the female version of Seiji with golden eyes. Normally, she'd be in the back cooking but when Kagome visited, she'd come out to have lunch, but happened to be home sick for the day. And I needed to talk to her, too… Kagome sighed wistfully. Maybe life wasn't as perfect as she'd thought it was. Not with Usagi being under the weather.
But no, she'd never had such a stellar two months. There was the fact she'd graduated (by the skin of her teeth, but who cared?) and her best friend (Sango) had gotten married (to Miroku, of course). And oh yeah, also they'd completed their quest. That too.
She'd never felt so free in her whole life. Naraku was dead, the jewel was gone, and she wasn't required to sleep on the ground anymore. No more grumpy-morning hanyous with bad breath, no more being surprised by a hand on her ass, or kits clinging to her leg. No matter how much she loved them, they could get really annoying. Which was why being home was simply fantastic. Of course she would return for a few days at a time to visit her friends, but she didn't need to look at them with guilty eyes anymore, because the mistake she'd unleashed had finally been conquered.
And now she could finally live with running water, and electric stoves, microwaves, and just everything she'd missed. An infinite supply of scented shampoos and lotions. Life was working out for her.
She watched Seiji amble over to her with their food in hand, ready for his lunch break. It was times like these, when he was far away from her and she couldn't see his deep blue eyes that he seemed incredibly familiar. She'd been shocked and scared beyond belief when she'd first met him, actually. It wasn't his notably handsome features, it was his manner, his intense aura that drew her in. He'd reminded her of a certain youkai, one she hadn't seen for years, who made her shudder at the simple thought of him.
And then Sesshomaru had helped her ragamuffin team out with killing Naraku, but she'd never fully forgiven him for trying to kill her. It was just one of those things that was hard to forget, a reminder of who he was underneath his disguise of human skin.
Secretly, Kagome thought that if there were still youkai in the world, Seiji, Usagi and their other siblings must be youkai. But that thought was absurd, and Kagome usually brushed it off rather quickly, because it was depressing. She hadn't been able to sense any youkai in the modern age… which meant Inuyasha, Shippou, Kouga, and all of her spirit friends had met untimely deaths.
"What's up?" Seiji quirked a brow, and she shook her head.
"Sorry, I was just thinking. Nothing important."
"Here's a scone—Usagi didn't make any leftover lemon squares yesterday, so we're all out."
"Fine by me," Kagome lifted one of Tea for a Taiyoukai's signature blueberry scones to her lips and took a bite. A perfect blend of doughy goodness and fruit. Nothing could compare.
Seiji seemed amused by her absolute moment of Nirvana after eating the scone, and when she sighed after finishing, her laughed. "I'll have to let my mother know you enjoy her scones so much. She'll get a kick out of that."
"I didn't know your mother helped cook. My compliments." She reached for another and Seiji didn't stop her.
"She does. It was her idea to start the bakery, you know. Came up with the name and all." For some odd reason, Kagome didn't like the little twinkle in Seiji's eyes. He looked like he was up to something.
"That's fantastic," her tone was less than enthusiastic. Quickly glancing at her phone, Kagome stifled a groan. "I gotta go. Looks like it's about time for my five o'clock fight with my mother."
Seiji frowned, his blue eyes darkening. "Don't be too hard on her, Kagome."
She raised an eyebrow and stood up. "Shouldn't it be the other way around? Come on, Seiji, you're my friend. Cut me some slack. You know the reason why I can't stand her these days."
"But one day…" He glanced out the window and sighed. "Never mind. See you later, Kags."
She waved and exited the quaint little shop, enjoying the tinkle of the bell at the door, and stepped out onto the street.
Seiji was odd, though. Sometimes it seemed like he knew more about her than she did. And it wasn't even in an odd way, it was like, hey I admire you for some completely bazaar reason, and um, we were meant to be friends? She shook her head. Nope, don't even think of that. Life's just weird, and Seiji's no exception. Now, on to tackling this case with mom…
Mom. She gasped, and froze in her place on the street. The scones at Tea for a Taiyoukai were her mother's favorite. Maybe, just possibly, if she brought home a couple, she could avoid the long awaited what-will-you-do-when-summer-ends talk. Brilliant. She dashed back to the bakery.
The bell rung as she entered quickly and Kagome ran to the counter, frenzied with excitement. She didn't even bother looking at the girl on the other side of the counter (who could've been Ume, Seiji's older sister with black hair, but then again Ume would've greeted her, so it must be someone else?) and started rattling off her order.
"Five scones total, three blueberry, one strawberry and one mixed berry, plus an apricot smoothie. It's to go, please, and put one of your fancy Transformers straws in the smoothie because my brother will just love that. Oh, wait, and a lemon square for Ji-chan!" Kagome paused, took a breath, and looked up at the girl on the other side.
She was met with bright blue eyes. Deep blue, the kind you see in those manicured commercials of the ocean, typically for a resort of some kind, complete with Hawaiian music and laughing men and women wearing the latest fashion. A familiar color, though she couldn't quite place it.
The girl looked really familiar too. Suddenly, it hit her.
I've met my doppelganger. Her she is. Right in front of me.
She was almost identical to Kagome. As if she had woken up one day and gotten plastic surgery on her nose, jaw bone and lips. The nose was straighter, more defined, and the lips thinner, and she seemed younger than Kagome, maybe fourteen or so, but otherwise, it was absolutely crazy how similar they looked.
"Ah, you—you're," her doppelganger stuttered on words, and Kagome mentally cooed. So cute. I have a fourteen year old doppelganger! I hope she grows up just like me.
"Sakura," Seiji's voice was sharp, and he walked over to the girl behind the counter in a heartbeat. Grabbing her arm brusquely, he pulled her close, and leaned down to whisper something in her ear.
"Seiji," Kagome crossed her arms and mocked hurt, "how come you didn't tell me your baby sister looks just like me. It's so cute!"
He tensed, looked up at Kagome as if he'd forgotten she was there, and quickly glanced at the door to the kitchen. His eyes were wide in horror, like a deer caught in the headlights.
There were some noises in the kitchen, muffled slightly by the door, but Kagome was hit with a wave of sweet smells. Obviously something was happening, what with Seiji's odd looks and what not, but Kagome could only wonder if they'd been experimenting with a new pastry. It sure smelled like it.
Seiji's gaze was flashing rapidly between Kagome and the door, when Sakura nudged him with her elbow. He straightened, and looked over his shoulder.
"No, mom—"
The kitchen door opened and Kagome saw a woman come out, carrying a tray full of lemon squares. She waddled over to the counter, wiped some sweat on her brow, and placed the tray on the counter. Her swollen abdomen prevented her from bending down to place them on their spot in the display stand.
"Seiji," she glanced up, "help me out, please."
Kagome froze. She could feel her palms go clammy as she stared at the woman, who moved with an effortless grace that only came with age. Though the woman couldn't be older than twenty five, tops. Seiji had called her mom, which must be some sort of a sick nickname because there was no way that could've happened, because he was twenty or so years old. Kagome had never been amazing at math, but she did know a five year old couldn't have kids.
But that wasn't the scary part. It wasn't their ages or odd relationship that made her blood run cold in her veins. No, it was her voice… the one that wasn't only hers.
It couldn't be. And her hair, that black, unruly mess of tangles that no frizz-care shampoo could control. Hair that seemed to eat money, because there were endless products to try out on it, and an infinite amount of brushes and combs to buy since nothing strong enough had been invented yet. And Kagome knew just how painful brushing it was because she did it every single day.
The woman took in Seiji's stunned expression and her eyes flickered to Kagome.
Blue, naturally. Because her eyes were blue after all, right?
The woman straightened to her full five foot four inches, and Kagome watched her pull down the bright purple shirt she wore, struggling to smooth it out over her enormous belly. She was dressed nicely, and Kagome thought that she'd wear exactly something like that, if she were pregnant, but she wasn't and didn't think she would be anytime soon.
This woman was, though. And Kagome was just about as baffled as a girl who'd fought Naraku could be. Just when she'd thought the world didn't hold any more surprises…
"No. Fucking. Way."
Kagome blinked, and watched herself cross her arms. She couldn't decipher if it had been her, the younger, or the older who'd sworn. But she felt like swearing.
"Kami, what on earth is going on?" She finally shouted, when their crowd of four had remained silent. "Are you me?"
The question sounded more incredulous than she had intended, but then again, who cared.
This wasn't just a doppelganger, this was… an alternate universe? Her long lost twin? A time skip? A mirror?
She was on the verge of insanity, torn between screaming or shouting, when the other Kagome grabbed her by the elbow and steered her out the door.
"Always so dramatic. I forgot what it was like to be young." The older Kagome sighed, and tucked a lock of her raven hair behind an ear.
"Excuse me?! Exactly what is going on?" She seethed, jerking her arm away. "Who are you? Why are you even here?!"
She rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. Honestly, Kagome, I'm surprised you didn't figure it out earlier. I mean, I was once in your spot, but still…" she placed a finger on her chin and thought aloud. "Was I really this oblivious?"
When Kagome continued to stare at her vehemently, she sighed. "You're me. Or rather, I'm you. Just from the future. Or the past, whichever way you look at it."
Kagome frowned at the other Kagome. Everything about her is, I don't know, stuff I would do I guess. But still. No way.
"Riiight. And I'm the Lady of the West." Kagome rolled her eyes. Best to play this one safe by continuing to make unrealistic statements.
The other woman's face brightened with a smile, and she laughed. "I haven't heard that one in a while!"
Kagome's frown shifted from unimpressed to annoyed. Placing a hand on her hip, she decided to simply glare at the pleased enigma smiling across from her, as if a withering glance might cause her to shrivel up and blow away. Kagome really, really didn't want to continue to be confused (and this situation most certainly was).
"Look, I get it." The other woman turned walked closer to her and rested a hand on her shoulder, her smile oddly comforting. "I was in your exact place once. And I mean that literally."
Kagome raised an eyebrow. "If you're trying to go for the I-understand-you deal, I can assure you, you don't."
"No," her eyelashes fluttered as she rolled her eyes, "I mean I actually was. Honestly, Kags, if the looks weren't enough of a clue already, I really am you. A long, long time ago I was being told these exact words by an older version of myself. Which sounds completely insane but…"
She trailed off, a finger rested on her cheek. "Wait, I remember! We played a guessing game. Quick, ask me questions about things only you know, and I'll answer them!"
Kagome nearly lifted a lip, but reconsidered, and smiled near devilishly. "Sure… No problem. What happened the time when Grandpa cleaned out the well house?"
She smiled, her eyes crinkling. "That's supposed to be a trick question, right? Grandpa never cleaned out the well house. It was always my job."
Kagome's smile dropped. "Right. You're correct."
She rattled off a few more easy questions, her stomach becoming more unsettled as they went on. She'd really been hoping this was some big joke because… just no way. But the more they went on, the more convinced she was.
"Okay, one last question. The only time I ever had a boy in my room, he saw…"
"The tampon I'd been hanging outside the window in hopes the Kami would give me my period. Little did I know that once I got it, I'd hate it forever after." She let out a half sigh, half laugh. "I'd forgotten about that. Those were some good times."
"The boy's name?" Kagome urged, grasping at her last string of reality.
The other woman's eyes darkened. "Hojo. Look, Kags, I know everything. Sengoku Judai, the miko powers, failing Biology, everything. I am you."
Kagome groaned and covered her face with a hand, taking a momentary reprise. "Whatever. I don't understand this at all."
After a couple minutes, the older Kagome said softly, "Let's walk to the shrine."
Kagome cringed, Nope. Too weird. She knows where the shrine is.
The other thing laughed. "It was my childhood home too, you know."
"Fine," she sputtered, throwing her hands up in the air. "Okay, so let's say I—hypothetically—buy your complete nonsense story that you didn't even fully describe to me, and think you're me, only an older version. What happened?"
"It's a very long story. Five hundred years, actually."
…
They sat on a bench in the park nearby her house. Light bought of laughter from kids could be heard singing in chorus with the cicadas, but the area around them seemed quite. As if their connection was fragile, about to be broken at any second.
"So what, do you mean you went to Sengoku Judai and lived right through to the modern era?"
She nodded.
"And what, now we've met? Doesn't that defy just about every theory of time travel?"
"Does jumping down a well to transport yourself five hundred years into the past make any sense? Those ideas are simply ideas."
"Yes, but—"
"No buts, Kagome. We've seen stranger things, and you know it."
She huffed. "Whatever."
The older Kagome shook her head. "To be young again. I forgot I was so sassy."
"Stop being so condescending. You're nearly the same age as me."
"Looks are deceiving. I've lived a long life—you'll be living it too. There are so many things to see that… change you."
Kagome sized her other self up. "I'm not sure I'll live the same life you did. Do we know if it's set in stone?"
The woman pursed her lips, and said nothing. Kagome frowned.
"I'm not even sure I'd like to live your life. What's that, you're fifth kid?"
"Umm, no."
When she didn't elaborate, Kagome lifted an eyebrow. "What? How many kids did you have?"
"This is my twenty fifth."
Kagome's eyes crossed. "Holy—"
"Before you object, just remember we didn't really have birth control in the feudal era. I didn't use any herbs, because obviously he wouldn't like that, so it was like, oh another baby? I hope this one doesn't kill me."
"Absolutely not. No way! I'm not living the same life you did. I believe in free will, not fate."
"I did too. Right up until—"
"If that's my fate, then I don't want it. I'll defy it."
The other Kagome simply laughed, which only irritated her more. I choose what life I'm going to live. I choose it.
A thought suddenly occurred to her and she froze, and her stomach constricting. "Wait, umm, who did you say you married again?"
"Mated. He's my mate, Kagome. And you've met Seiji. It should be obvious enough." The other Kagome curled her hands under her belly. "Personally, though, I think this should be our last. Or at least, one of our lasts. I'd like to relax for a while, and not start raising another group of kids every thirty years."
Kagome still hadn't recovered. A sick chill ran up her spine. "No, I don't know who your mate is. Tell me."
She was thrown a skeptical look. "Don't be daft. You already know him. You met him a couple years ago, remember? He helped you finish off Naraku."
No, no, no. Oh, Kami, please no. The white hair—Ume's golden eyes. That younger girl, Sakura, her defined nose. Regal, almost. Seiji's tall, muscular build. Their intense, youkai-like auras.
"Who?" Her voice was more of a pleading lament than a question.
After a long, studying stare, the older Kagome gave in.
"Sesshomaru."
…
If Kagome hadn't wanted to grow up to be this version of herself before, she absolutely didn't want to now.
"It's your destiny, Kagome. You can't fight fate." The woman protested, but Kagome just covered her ears.
Bad enough she had to meet this older, condescending version of herself, but now she discovered that she'd had twenty five kids with Sesshomaru, Inuyasha's creepy older brother? His gaze was the scariest thing she'd ever seen, and this woman had fucked him twenty five times (and it was implied that they'd done it even more times than that. And it seemed consensual for both parties, to boot).
No way. No fucking way. It seemed Kagome had developed a habit of swearing when she was angry. And she didn't care.
"Watch me. I'm not going to live up to this destiny thing of yours. I don't want to."
The other Kagome was furious. "You can't throw this away. This is my life, and I love it. You could love it too! Don't ruin it for me, you selfish, ungrateful brat!"
Kagome felt her cheek sting from a slap, and she returned the favor.
"What's your problem?!" She shouted, and the pregnant woman backed off.
"You don't understand… You're too young. Everything you have now…" The look in her eyes was haunted, and Kagome swallowed involuntarily.
"You don't cherish it enough, Kagome. You don't realize…" She sighed, "Let's continue walking to the shrine."
Kagome got up from the bench, watched the older woman struggle under her large stomach, and offered her a hand. And as Kagome watched the stubborn look pass over the older Kagome's face, and determination to do it herself set in, Kagome decided that this woman really must be her. Of course, she was going to find a way to cheat fate and get out of whatever had happened to her (it was probably something like she saw Sesshomaru and he forced her to mate him? And she could avoid that by just not being in Sengoku Judai when he was there). But still, this woman acted exactly like herself.
And the fact that they fought with each other only cemented the truth in her mind, because she'd always known she'd slap herself if she ever met herself (because really. There were so many stupid things she'd done).
They walked in silence for the rest of the trip, until they reached the well house. The older, heavily pregnant Kagome wheezed, and leaned up against the side.
"Kami, I'd forgotten how tall that staircase was."
Kagome just smirked. "It doesn't help that you're pregnant. And that you've given birth so many times. Really, such a long stair case can't be good for you. Something might fall out."
"You're real funny, Kagome. What a laugh riot I was."
"I know."
After surmising that the older Kagome had nothing interesting left to say, Kagome decided to ask the one question that'd been weighing deeply on her.
"How long will I able to travel through the well?"
There was a long, measured beat until she spoke. "You won't be able to travel though the well anymore."
Her heart bottomed out. "No. You're lying."
She shook her head, staring off into the distant hills. "I wish I was."
"No, you have to be. You said you've lived five hundred years. You actually are lying." Her confidence grew as she spoke. She's contradicting herself, she's not telling the truth…
Without a further thought, she charged to the well house, ignoring the shouts from the older woman. Once there, she perched herself on the lip of the well, and waited to see the other Kagome. When she arrived, she was panting, and gripped the side of the house with an unsteady hand.
"I don't know what the fuck you're trying to accomplish, but you're wrong. Just watch." Her tone was defiant as she leapt over the edge. She's wrong, she's wrong and I'll prove it. I can outsmart the fates, I can do whatever I want.
She felt the familiar surge of power wash over her skin and she glanced up one last time to gloat at the other woman. The sight she saw was not what she expected.
Holding her yellow backpack which had been packed with supplies for her next trip (which would've been soon, since her mother wouldn't get off her case on the whole life after Sengoku Judai, and she was well deserving of a vacation) she dropped it down the well. It caught in the magic of the well so it would be transported with her to the other side. But that wasn't the strangest thing…
The older Kagome's face was tight, drawn slightly. And as Kagome slipped into the warm cloud of magic that would transport her to feudal Japan, the last thing she saw was her own eyes. Her eyes, afflicted by the wonderful yet taxing years of life she'd lived, the pain and joy she'd endured, the continuous loss and birth that she had seen. Eyes full of wisdom, eyes full of regret, and a tormented look that was only gained by seeing hardships. And Kagome knew.
She wasn't coming back.
…
Kagome shifted as she peered down the well, watching her younger self use the well for the last time. Being close to it again was a gift more than she'd ever hoped to have again, its power crackling over her skin, sending an ancient, familiar feeling coursing through her blood. Oh, how she'd missed it so.
She'd been so young, the endless thought that had plagued her for the longest time. It wasn't that she'd been naïve (which she had been) but it was more that she didn't know what she was losing. Her younger self hadn't understood what beauty lay hidden in the world, she hadn't valued her time spent as much as she should have. Living through five hundred years just to return to the present—her present—was a burden she'd never wish upon anyone. The never feeling like she belonged in time, the worrying about accidentally messing something up… Her heart clenched at the mere thought. Just knowing that one wrong move could've ruined what she had now was the scariest thought.
To think, that I just sent my foolish self back in time to mess everything up once again…
...
I hope you like time travelers, seriously moody youkai, a potty-mouthed modern Kagome with a sense of humor to balance out the unrequited love and heartbreak because five bucks says that's where this story is going. Also twenty five babies, all of which I have names for. And there will be shameless pop culture references in the near future so get ready. It'll be a ride.
I'm also looking for a beta to help out with the next couple chapters, so maybe if you're interested shoot me a message?