Sometimes, I want to do something wrong. Really wrong. As I burst through the double doors of Charliene and Gregory with my husband by my side, I want to forgo all the formalities and social norms. I look at the crowd of posers and snobs through half-lidded eyes. Drawn on black feathers cloud their true selves with sparkles ingrained in their minds. It doesn’t bother me anymore. I don’t even flinch because instead of looking at the glass half full, I use the emptiness to my advantage.
I strain my muscles until they form a smile. My husband turns to look me over and gives a polite smile in my direction. This is one of his few appraisals during our nights out. A rub on the back, an offer for a drink, or a gentle smile, signals I behaved appropriately or that I made him “proud”.
Everyone is mostly already sitting, instead of the few hosts. The chairs and tables are pushed to the sides of the room allowing a huge gap for walking space. My dear friend Charlotte smiles, her genuine personality shining through and through. She adorns a lavender lace garment of different shades, her features highlighted with the popular warm palette of hues.
She rises and greets me with arms open. Two pale arms seeming to be carved from white stone hang comfortably from her chest. “Anna! Darling, I thought you wouldn’t make it.”
I bury myself in her arms with little grace and little disregard for our audience.
“Of course! I wouldn’t miss this for the world,” I said, regaining composure and hanging off the side of Sesshomaru.
“Oh, I see you brought Mr. Higurashi with you,” she said softly, her mouth in a firm smirk with her eyebrow raised mischievously.
I furrowed my eyebrows. “I do not see why you find this peculiar,” I said my mouth in a quirk.
“There’s nothing peculiar about bringing your husband to an event.” She snapped out her fan and began fanning herself to annoy me.
My husband squeezed the small of my back. “Mrs. Boudeff, congratulations. May I inquire as to where your husband is?”
“In the back.” She pointed with her fan to a large opening in the room housing the males.
As he walked away, Charlotte stepped closer. “And, how is your marriage going?” Her eyes trailing the back of his suede suit jacket.
“Good,” I replied, following her stare.
She snapped her fan against my shoulder. “Anna!” she admonished.
I shrugged, my eyes giving away my feelings.
“Well, I guess I can not fault you for wanting more,” she spoke, looking down at me.
This was obviously my turn for raising an eyebrow. “And, what more do you want?” I asked, curiosity leaking through my voice.
“Your husband,” she stated.
I fell into laughter with her as we both migrated through the masses for conversing. I knew that she would never attempt to steal my husband. She is good-naturedly honest, and even attempted for my husband before he was my husband. He turned her down graciously, and made my parents an offer for me.
I finished my elaborate hairstyle with an encrusted crest. I adorned a trailing white silk number that billowed with each step. It was the love of my life, and I hoped it would bring me enough luck to find another one. Today, the Higurashis were hosting a ball, and I wanted to find a husband. Many found husbands at age fifteen, but I was sixteen. My parents couldn’t understand why I waited, or why I didn’t drape myself over the many large profitable men who proposed. Waiting incensed them, but for me, it was power to choose who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.
I walked with my body standing tall through the hallways and into the carriage.
~*~
I sat perched with my body halfway out the carriage surveying the competition. I gasped with recognition upon seeing a girl with long brown braids and a dark bonnet.
“Charlotte!” I exclaimed, climbing out.
“Annie!” she cried, running towards me.
“I’m so excited! What if we both find our husbands here?!” I spoke in loud whispers.
We both instantly squealed with our hands clasped.
I felt a hand touch my shoulder, and as I turned around my father stood with annoyance but amusement in his eyes.
“Come, let us not keep them waiting with your feminine frivolities.”
I followed Charlotte, our hands still clasped, when I glanced up at the grey bricked castle that was dimly lit with small fires giving it a romantic feeling.
I just remember smiling and not being able to stop. Everyone was taller than I of sixteen summers, and seemed bigger than life.
Women had dresses of many bright colors that sparkled and shimmered with each turn, and men with dark leather than formed to their bodies well.
Then, time seemed to stop and everyone silenced. I fancied myself with the crackling fires connected to each wall.
I felt a desperate hand clawing my shoulder for attention. I turned to look at Charlotte in inquisition when I saw him.
Sesshomaru Higurashi.
Her eyes slowly looked back into mine silently asking if I saw what she saw. I raised my eyebrow in question.
She suddenly rolled her eyes and continued to drool over him. I didn’t see what everyone saw. He looked around my age, smart, fair skinned, and used to getting what he wanted. It didn’t appeal to me to imagine a man who never had to fight for what he wanted, and it was always given on first command.
But, apparently..
I turned to look at my friend.
It appealed to some.
She constantly complained that I stuck my nose up at every man, but I didn’t. I just wanted a man that found it important that he had me, instead of one of the many luxuries he was entitled to.
The whole night carried on like the same as other nights.
A man of about twenty five years sauntered towards me. I was busying myself glancing at my friend’s hopelessness in sympathy. She still wanted Sesshomaru, but she wanted to get married more.
He licked his lips while staring appraisingly at my drink.
“So, I’ll take it red is your favorite?” he asked, smiling darkly.
“It’s okay,” I replied, leaning back on the railing.
“I’m a duke of England and I’m related to the King’s nephew who is next in line to the throne if-“
I smiled graciously, watching the man in front of me drone on and on.
Superficially, it might seem that he was offering himself to me but in reality…he was expecting me to offer myself to him.
I sighed internally, hearing the closing statement of men’s prideful proposal memorized by heart.
“So, I was wondering if you weren’t married yet..”
Why would I be married and by myself at a ball? I wondered in silence.
“…you would consider my offer,” he finished.
I restructured my face into one of genuine sadness.
“I’m so sorry, but I’m afraid I have to decline in your offer. You see…I can’t possibly think about marrying a duke-“ You’re way too stuck on yourself, for one.
“It would be such a large change to move to England, and my family would miss me so much-“ Well, my family would adore you, and that’s not enough for me to care about you.
“So, you see…it brings me so much joy to hear someone of your status..” The very fact that you just puffed out your chest is why I decline.
“But, I can’t live up to that as a mere noble woman,” I finished. His expression was one of longing and persistence. Oh, joy.
“I see. I will garnish you with presents and offerings until you know how much I believe you will be greatest by my side.”
I flipped back my hair in annoyance. Greatest?
“Your ladyship does not deserve such kindness especially at the tender age of sixteen.” I uttered the words as my last weapon. There were many girls of riper stalk and he wouldn’t attempt a sixteen year old with the option of a fifteen year old…possibly.
“I will wait for you, my ladyship,” he replied casually with a bow.
My eyes traveled to his disappearing form. No, need.
I felt someone else’s eyes burning holes through my body. I turned to see the illustrious Sesshomaru Higurashi, walking towards me.
He stopped ten feet away.
He bended his head to one side, as if perplexed.
The silence was unbearable and I just about opened my mouth when he spoke.
“Why did you turn him down?” he asked.
I gazed into his eyes and I saw no ulterior motive in his blunt and honest question. Most people had an ulterior motive almost always with questions, and the few exceptions of that rule were..well Charlotte.
“I believe in true love,” I replied, defensively.
“That still doesn’t answer my question,” he spoke, his eyes captured by some image as if in a trance or attempting to capture something.
I scrambled mentally for my voice. “I’m waiting-“
“For what?” he said suddenly.
“Someone I want to spend the rest of my life with,” I replied honestly.
“Despite status? Despite wages and squares of land? Despite-“
“Those things aren’t going to make me happy with someone for the rest of my life…” I said cutting him off in return, ”only temporarily.”
He turned swiftly without a second glance, his long black cape flying behind him in echoing silence.
I, however, stayed above the party below and gazed sparingly at the dark figure who stood out from everyone.
My mother was talking with a group of older ladies who went bent on comparing daughters and their husbands. My mother spotted me and pointed in an apparent answer to someone’s question of where I was. I waved back down. Their faces staring up at me, squinting.
But, what truly caught my eye was Charlotte and her family finally gathering the courage to ask Higurashi if he will accept her.
I felt a tap on my shoulder.
Turning, my mother was with her hands clasped, smiling silently with tears in her eyes.
“Mother? What is it?” I asked, worried.
“Nothing. Nothing,” she said, gathering my hands in her own,” you look beautiful.”
I turned back again to the show beneath me.
“The senator’s son…he asked us for your hand in marriage.”
I stared at the inevitable.
I saw the words run out of Charlotte’s mouth and I wanted to sweep up those words and put them back for her to save later.
But, then I saw a mumbling from Higurashi, and expected the worst.
But, Charlotte curtsied appropriately and smiled while leaving.
I felt my heart clench. I did this…Why did I have to even talk to this man? I could’ve possibly ruined this for Charlotte, and now she’ll never talk to me again.
My mother snagged my shoulder to turn me around. She saw the tear gliding down my cheek.
“Have you not heard a word I said?” she asked, angered.
“I heard you,” I repeated, calmly. “I am marrying Sesshomaru Higurashi.” This sentence felt as if it was stolen from my mind’s best kinds of dreams that started with loving words and ended with never ending sunsets.
It was spent. It was gone. And, in a way, I was gone. But, not really. I was integrated into a lifestyle of underlying meanings, treachery, big social events, and where marriage is the staple on every wealthy woman and the defining bow.
I am one of the many. I am Anna K. Higurashi.