The song is Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri.
Background info: Sesshomaru and Kagome were an item, but his ice cold demeanor inevitably left her feeling unloved and empty. She knows he’s had others before her, and she knows he’ll get along just fine after her. So in an effort to save her heart, she called it off. But now (since we all know that nobody turns down Sesshomaru) just as she’s getting over him, he’s back for her. And she’s standing her ground, however hard it is. Because, she’s still in love with him…
There he was. Watching her.
It wasn’t like Kagome wasn’t used to seeing his face around town. They grew up in the same neighborhood, for Pete’s Sake. His younger brother was her best friend. From the very day she was born, Kagome had spent nearly every day at his house, either rolling around in the mud with Inuyasha, or staying up late watching horrible action flicks. Regardless of whether or not he would join them, she knew he was there. Entering the house, maybe refilling on the popcorn, in the hallway on the way to the bathroom, they would run into each other.
That was probably where it started.
He was only a few years older. Three, to be exact. Kagome was aware of this fact, and perhaps that’s why he held more appeal than his more than immature brother. He was sophisticated, mature, intelligent. She felt grown-up with him, not like the child she always felt like when she hung out with Inuyasha. It was nice to feel older. It was nice to be appreciated for her level of maturity, which Inuyasha clearly failed to notice, and even more so failed to acquire.
They were ultimately separated throughout school because of age, and even when she stopped talking to Inuyasha, she still stopped by the house periodically to have a discussion on a thought she had about religion, or science, or math, with him. He enjoyed long discussions, especially ones that ended in debate. Sometimes, though, she stopped by just to say hi. And he would just give her a curious look and they would have a small conversation. And she would promptly ignore Inuyasha on her way out.
That was probably where it grew.
However, he left for college, off to go study abroad. She didn’t see him for her years of high school, and even a year into her own local college. Sure, she could have gone to a farther off college, one with more prestige. She wanted to wait for him though. She never told anyone that at the time, but Kagome was waiting for his return. She would pass by his house on her visits to her family’s shrine, checking for his car, checking for light in his window, checking for any sign he was back.
He returned the summer of her second year of college. She was completely unexpecting when he showed up at her dorm room door, and not even he seemed to know what he was doing. She could not have been happier when he asked her out to dinner, and it seemed he was just as happy. He held open doors for her, paid for everything, and even gave her a small bow and kiss on the back of the hand of gratitude. He was pure gentleman, and she felt like a genuine lady.
That was probably where it reached its peak.
Kagome looked once more out the window at the golden eyes that were watching her every movement. For a minute, eyes met, and she caught the slight smirk that rested upon his lips. He knew she knew he was watching, waiting. He believed he was irresistible. He was waiting for her as she sat in the coffee shop, drinking her double mocha shot, medium iced latte with espresso. Waiting for the moment she left.
She did this every Thursday. It was a ritual, a habit, a daily life requirement of hers. She sat in the third seat from the door alongside the windows, drinking her custom made drink, either working on her latest book or her teaching plan for her job as a professor at the local university from which she graduated. Sometimes, she read a book and listened to her ‘calming’ playlist, which consisted of less than calming alternative music. Every second Thursday of the month, her friends Sango and Ayame would join her, but only then. It just so happened to be the last Thursday of the month of July. And he knew this.
He wouldn’t come in. No, she knew he wouldn’t come in and antagonize her. He would wait, however patiently, for however long it took her, for her to leave the café and come to him. He was certain she would come to him. Everyone went to him. He hardly had to ask for a thing in his life. He was highly intelligent, a bit distant, cold, and calculating. He knew just about everything about everyone. He knew how to make you say what he wanted you to say, how to make you do what he wanted you to do; he was a professional about it, no doubt, but he could still do it.
There were two things, however, that he was particularly confident about, and those things happened to be his skill in the business world, and his ability to get any girl he wanted. And unfortunately, he had set his sights on Kagome at that moment. She had been there, done that, and never wanted to go back knowing the consequences.
Sighing, knowing he would never leave, but that she would have to eventually, she packed up her things into her small, navy blue bag, threw her coffee cup in the trash, and left a few dollars on the table. It wasn’t require, and she knew hardly anyone else did it, but she knew the people who worked there. It was only fair, especially when she took up so much time at one of their tables.
Bracing herself, Kagome pushed open the door to the café and warm brown eyes instantly met gold. Sure, he was on the opposite side of the street, and there were many cars rushing between them. That didn’t stop the force of the pull, however. The pull: the thing that attracted Kagome to this strange man. The thing that kept her coming back to him even when she had started to lose herself. The thing that Kagome now forced herself to ignore as she tore her eyes from the piercing gold ones, and took off at a brisk walk in the direction of Sango’s apartment. She needed some serious girl time.
I know I can’t take one more step towards you
Cuz all that’s waiting is regret
Don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most
The next few dates were just as spectacular. They were big, and grand, and showy; often out to fancy restaurant or the opera. It was as if Kagome were a jewel and he wanted to show off his find to the world, to show off just how mighty he was to have found her. It was as if only someone like him could have found someone like her. She felt wanted, she felt special, and she felt loved. She was spoiled: given expensive jewelry, taken to expensive places. He even bought her a brand new car when hers broke down and he paid her down payment on owning her own apartment. She didn’t know where all the money was coming from, and she never bothered to ask. She knew he was well off to begin with, and she knew he was doing just brilliant in the world of business.
But all the attention, the spending, the gifts; all of it bothered her. It was true, she felt wanted and needed, and as if someone truly wanted her to be happy. But she didn’t want it to be through materialistic goods. The attention wasn’t from him; it was from his angry fans, the media, her friends and family. The spending made her feel as if she needed to pay him back, even though he insisted that she didn’t. The gifts only made her feel like there were others somewhere that couldn’t afford such items, especially ones given away almost as if they were being thrown at her like candy at a parade. Half of them she sold and gave the money she got back to charities, and he never noticed. Even if he did, he said nothing, and made no comment.
That was probably where it started to die.
Kagome eventually suggested reserved dates, quieter ones. Perhaps dinner at home, or a picnic in a secluded area. He only gave her a look, as if he would never be caught dead doing such things. She suggested they go on a vacation, just the two of them, and get away from the crowd. She knew he would enjoy doing something costly, and she would enjoy getting away from people they knew. He seemed okay with that, and set about arranging things. She said she would only go if she could pay for her own ticket.
That was probably the first, but not the last, time he ever got mad at her.
Kagome did not understand why he would only do things that were expensive, and how she could not pay for herself. It sorely irritated her as well. More and more, she cancelled plans that she had made with him, and started giving him ultimatums. Either he did what she wanted to do for once, or he wouldn’t see her that week. He called her a foolish, spoiled woman, and chose not to see her that week. Kagome was not only hurt, but extremely infuriated that he had the gall to do such a thing. Spoiled for wanting to do something when the choice had been all his? She failed to see his argument.
The weeks went on, and still neither of them would talk to the other. Neither, of course, knew that the other was staring at the phone, waiting for it to ring. Both were just too stubborn, wanting it to go their way. Eventually Kagome gave in, feeling lonely, and they had a small reunion over dinner.
The dinner was of course followed by a few more dinners, all of which Kagome reluctantly participated in. It was during these dinners that Kagome noticed that he had a cold tone to him. He had never been particularly open, or warm for that matter, but his eyes were shut to her. He was void of emotion, void of feelings, void of anything. He had emotion in his discussion, actively speaking his thoughts and opinions, and he was always quick to express anger or disappointment, but it never showed in his eyes.
Kagome hated this. She wanted to know everything, but it was all hidden. She could see nothing past his eyes. He was a rock, a brick, ice. He was cold, nothing but a statue. She thought back to the beginning, and came to the dark realization that he had always been as such; she had just been too caught up in her happiness, her shock, her sudden hope at feeling loved, to notice. All the dates, the gifts, everything; it had just been for fun and games. It had all just been so she wouldn’t notice he was using her to fill up his time. He didn’t care for her. Not really.
That was, most definitely, when she cut him from her life.
For two years she stumbled around, relying on friends and family to pull her through. It wasn’t that she had fallen out of love with him. No, she never stopped loving him, even as she knocked on Sango’s door. It was just that she had learned to live without him in her life. It was fairly simple. After she had cut ties with him, he disappeared. Nobody, not even his family, heard from him.
Not until now, that is. Until now, as he planned on trying to gain back everything he had broken with her, and probably with many others.
I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time
Who do you think you are?
Running ‘round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?
Kagome stared into the mug full of warm tea in her hands as Sango stared at her with worry. Neither had said a word, and the latter was concerned for her normally bubbly-friend’s now quiet and seemingly distressed state of mind.
“He’s back.” Kagome whispered, and like magic, Sango immediately knew of her friend’s problem.
Kagome had spoken much of the man who was currently plaguing her during their shared dorm years of college. Sango had been her most trusted friend, and during the rough patches she let Kagome have her shoulder. She, if anyone, knew how much Kagome had been head over heels for him, and she, if anyone, knew better than Kagome herself how hard it was for Kagome to force herself away from him. She knew it was for the best. It didn’t take rocket science to see that Kagome was uncomfortable in the relationship, and he just wasn’t doing anything to help.
She had watched, and tried her best where her friend let her, as Kagome struggled back to her feet these last two years. She hadn’t had a relationship since, though it wasn’t for lack of trying. She simply couldn’t get herself to date anybody else. She was finally back on a normal routine, and for that Sango was glad. She and Ayame made a girl’s night every week, forcing Kagome out of her apartment, which was a different one than the one he had helped her buy.
She was starting to come back, only now. A man she had practically grown up with, someone she had loved her whole life and hardly even knew it, someone she dreamt about being with forever, someone she could not stand to be around; this was who Kagome had to face. Sango would back her up with all her heart and soul, but she knew Kagome just came here to be with someone. She knew Kagome needed to do this on her own. She had spent two years fighting off memories, trying to remember that he was the bad guy, that she had done nothing wrong, that she could not be a horrible woman to make him hate her so much. Only now was she realizing she was worth every minute he spent with her. It was a mental battle she had to fight, and Sango would be cheering from the sidelines, encouraging her every step of the way. Even with this possible set back.
Sango opened her mouth to ask her friend if she would like something to eat when Kagome jumped. Kagome glanced at her purse, which was resting against her thigh, before reaching into it. Setting down the mug and pulling out her black flip phone, she read her new text message, and her eyes widened.
“What is it?” Sango asked.
“Inuyasha texted me. He says that… he came asking for my address and phone number. Inuyasha gave it to him, and hopes that’s alright.” Kagome whispered, her voice holding a note of fear. But not of him, no never of him.
“That idiot. You can spend the night here if you’d like.”
Kagome just shook her head. “I have to face him eventually.” She murmured, before placing her phone in her purse and giving Sango a long hug. Then she slipped out the door.
Sango stared at the closed door for a long while, wishing her closest friend all the luck she could.
I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time
He was there, waiting. Of course he was. He wouldn’t have it any other way, than to be there the exact moment she got home. He was there, leaning up against the stone wall that surrounded her Victorian styled apartment building. He was there, in all his glory, his silver hair streaming down his loose, white button-down shirt. He was there, his arms crossed; giving off the air that he was too cool, too macho for people to approach. He was there, one dark denim-clad leg bent, his black sneaker resting against the wall behind him. He was there, his golden eyes watching her as she made her way towards him, a smirk, friendly but devious, plastered on his all-too-perfect face.
He was just there, and that’s all there was to it.
Kagome stopped short, suddenly unsure, as the pull dropped its full weight upon her. She still had to cross the street, and already she could feel butterflies turning in her stomach, her heart fluttering like a bird desperate to get out of its cage. Her knees were going weak; she was hardly sure she could make it over to him without fainting. In her mind, all the memories, good and bad, swirled faster and faster making her dizzy.
But the light turned red, and the cars stopped to let her cross, and for once she thanked the pull, because it was the only thing keeping her up and moving. So her feet kept stepping and she kept gliding gracefully over to the man she wanted so desperately to hate, but couldn’t. And, as if he knew what was going on in her head, and he probably did, he pushed himself off the wall, taking a few steps to meet her in the middle of the sidewalk.
Being at least a foot taller then she, Kagome felt small and meek in his presence, and his smirking down at her was not helping. But she met his eyes calmly, at least in appearance. The war raging inside threatened to cause an explosion, and she was just barely keeping a lid on it. She needed to remain in check for this.
They stood there for lord knows how long, just staring into each other’s eyes, neither wanting to speak first. Neither had to. A breeze flitted by and knocked a strand of Kagome’s hair into her face, and almost instinctively, though somewhat seductively, he reached up and tucked it behind her ear. His fingertips traced her cheek ever so gently, causing chills to go down her spine and the hair on the back of her neck to stand straight up. He knew he could elicit such a reaction from her, and she would dare to say he did it on purpose.
Forcing herself from the trance she was falling into, she grabbed his hand and removed it from her face. If she could read his eyes, she would’ve said shock ran through them, or maybe amusement. Perhaps they were the same thing to him.
No matter. She wouldn’t fall prey to him again.
Who do you think you are?
Running ‘round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?
“If you’re good, you may enter my home.”
“And if I am not?”
“I’ll call the police on a case of stalking.”
“That is not very nice. I have done nothing wrong.”
“You know as well as I do that that’s not true.”
“I have a feeling we are not talking about today anymore.”
Kagome glared at him and he just gave her one of his gentle smiles, and her heart almost melted. Almost, but not quite. Not quite.
“You may come in.” she said softly, but firmly, while mentally berating herself. She didn’t want to let him in. She didn’t want him filling up her currently empty-of-him home, with memories of him. She wanted him gone. She wanted him gone, because every moment she was in his presence, her resolve slipped just a bit further into the void of no return.
She handed him a cup of tea. Cautious or not, she was a courteous and respectable woman. The least she could do was be hospitable, even to him.
He graciously accepted it, while looking around the room. He admired the painting of a field of flowers that hung up over her couch, and she took a moment to feel arrogant. She had painted that picture, along with many others; in an effort to keep herself busy forgetting him. It had been one of the many classes Sango had signed her up for to get her to recognize things that Kagome truly loved to do, instead of wasting away in her bed.
It had worked too. She had forgotten nearly everything during the classes.
Now, though, the memories flooded back. Now, as he sat in front of her, studying her room and her in turn, very carefully, the memories she had repressed came back.
The longing of his return, and the months of driving by his empty house.
His return, and their glorious first date, in which he shared stories about his travels and she about her high school into college transition.
Their second and third date and how she ran late to their third because it was the day her car broke down. He bought her a new one and gave it to her as a surprise.
Their first kiss. Sure, she was almost positive he planned it so that she would trip and fall and land directly in his arms. Because, that was romantic. And what a better time to kiss someone than when they’re blushing like hell and in your arms? But, she would never forget the feeling of his arms around her nor what it felt like to kiss him. Never.
She remembered being short just a couple hundred dollars of the money needed to buy her dream apartment, and him instead paying the entire down payment.
She remembered staying up late at night discussing all sorts of topics, and never getting tired of it.
She remembered every single piece of jewelry, every single fan that tried to claw out her eyes, every scathing look from women. She remembered trying to go on quieter dates to avoid everything, only to be ignored.
She remembered the names they called each other and the weeks they were ‘taking a break’ and how lonely and miserable she had been.
She remembered giving in and reluctantly letting herself get dragged out to a restaurant, where he only seemed to gloat that she had given in first. She didn’t remember the other dates, she hated those.
She remembered the cold, distant, look in his eyes. The one that haunted her dreams for months.
She remembered their final date, the one where she gathered enough courage to tell him she was through with his pretending like he cared. She remembered how he just stared at her. She remembered how she waited for a reaction, any reaction, and got nothing. She remembered getting up and leaving, tears in her eyes but not coming down. She remembered hearing that he had disappeared two days later.
And she remembered not caring.
And it took so long just to feel, alright
Remember how to put back the light, in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cuz you broke all your promises
And now you’re back
You don’t get to get me back
“Kagome. Kagome I fear you’ve gone to another planet and left me behind.”
Kagome blinked and glanced at the man sitting before her, and perhaps his eyes were filled with amusement. She sighed and placed her own mug of tea on the table.
“Why are you here?”
“Can a friend not stop by to bask in another friend’s company?”
“Us? Friends? You don’t have ‘friends’. You have one night stands. You have business partners. You have ‘people-you-know’. You don’t have ‘friends’. And even if you did, we certainly aren’t any.”
“That hurts.”
“I’m sure it does. Somewhere way deep down; way, way, way deep down, I’m sure it does.” She ran a hand through her short, cropped, layered black locks. She had cut them. He liked her long hair. It was one of the few things he verbalized. And so it was one of the first things to go, and stay gone. Unlike him. “What do you want?”
“I think you know.”
“I know I do. So you can give up all plans, intentions, hopes, wishes, desires, wants, needs, cravings, etc, and leave. I’m not in the mood to deal with you today.”
“When will you be?”
“When will I be what?”
“Stay with me, dear Kagome.”
“Oh.” She paused, slightly embarrassed, blushing. His sly grin caught her off guard, as did his coyly used term of endearment. It wasn’t special or anything, but his voice, and the way he said it, she knew only his voice saying her name as such could ever cause her heartbeat to sky rocket as it had just done. However, she had a cause to get across. “I think you know.”
This caused a slight scowl to mar his pretty face.
“Now, now. Surely you can’t still be angry. It was a misunderstanding, we were both young. Happens all the time. I’m willing to try again. And you?”
Who do you think you are?
Running ‘round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all
“I’m done. We’ve been through this. We had our chance, and it’s over.”
His gaze turned from playful to sour, and Kagome regretted her words immediately, though she knew she needed to stand by them.
“I don’t get it. I gave you everything, took you everywhere. I sacrificed time and money just to make you happy. I could’ve been off on business exploits and instead I was spending time with you, always with you. I was faithful, I was loyal. You were happy. You could have had anything you wanted, anything you needed, anything you desired; I could’ve have given it to you on a golden platter and sprinkled in pixie dust. I cancelled meetings when you were sick to be with you, I took extra time off of work to sit by the phone waiting for your call because I was too stubborn to call you myself. You were never satisfied! Sure you called eventually, but you had sold half the gifts I had given you, you never wanted to go anywhere I took you. You never voiced your opinion, just always sighed melancholically, and ruined practically the whole night. And then… and then to top it all off you tell me it’s over. You tell me nothing of what you’re feeling, nothing of why you’re pulling away, nothing of what’s wrong with what I’m doing, and then before I get the chance to ask, you’re gone.”
Kagome just stared with guilt and shock at the man who was now standing in front of her. He was gazing down at her, and for the first time she could read every emotion that played across his face, every emotion that danced through his eyes.
He was upset, he was angry, he was confused, he was afraid. Maybe Kagome had been wrong. Maybe she had been wrong all along. Perhaps it had all been one big misunderstanding.
Kagome watched in misinterpreted silence as he angrily, but perhaps his anger was tinged with regret and sorrow, stalked to the door and gave her a final look, before walking out of her life.
Kagome felt like she had just shot a child’s new puppy.
Who do you think you are?
Running ‘round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all
Kagome sat for what felt like forever in complete silence, staring at the door. Then before she knew what she was doing, she had jumped up, opened the door letting it slam wildly behind her, and raced down the steps to ground level.
They had both been wrong, both of them. She thought he was uncaring, but he thought she didn’t want to be in the relationship. She loved him; the entire world could see that. Hell, she knew even he knew that she still loved him. And by god, she hoped she was right when she thought she was wrong about his feelings towards her. She thought he hated her, but now she could see he loved her. At least he used to.
Maybe, just maybe he still did.
Who do you think you are?
She hurried down the sidewalk. She was relying on the pull. She thanked whoever was watching over their relationship for creating it, and making it so strong. It would be the only thing leading her to the only one she wanted right now. The only one she cared about. The only one who could grant her peace of mind.
And suddenly he was there, directly in front of her. She was growing tired, and he was about to cross a crowded street. If he did that, she might never find him. She had no idea where he was staying, if he was just visiting for a day, if he was back permanently, anything! She couldn’t lose this opportunity, not yet.
But of course, be it the cliché of all clichés, or whether the universe just had to kill her hopes and dreams, someone shoved into her and she landed hard on her knees, right as the light turned red, allowing the walkers to cross.
Desperate, as she had been for two years, she did the only thing she could think of.
“Sesshomaru!”
Who do you think you are?
The man in question turned around to see a girl looking as if she were about to cry, crumpled to her knees on the sidewalk. He wanted to laugh, to yell, to do something out of the ordinary, but he had already been too touchy-feely for his own good today.
Instead, he settled for walking back to the girl, picking her up, one arm under her arms, one arm beneath her legs, and carrying her back to her apartment, despite her protests.
“Silly Kagome.”
“It's not like I asked for someone to run into me.”
“I would think you did, just so I would carry you.”
Kagome sniffled, feeling like a small child instead of the twenty-three year old that she was. She ignored the once again amused eyes that were glancing down at her every now and then as he walked.
“Just who do you think you are, huh?” she muttered.
“Apparently someone you cannot live without.”
Kagome sighed and glanced up. “I guess so.”
That was probably where it began to heal.
So, I had come up with two endings that I was considering for this. And, as you can all assume, neither was used. This suddenly just came. And while I’m neither happy nor distraught with it, it’s not my favorite. I have an alternate ending, and I might post it as a second chapter or maybe a different story. We'll see. Thanks!