Title: Unplanned
Rating: T
Words: 1833, according to MS Works
Prompt: Ink, Priestess Skye’s challenge ending 11/22/09
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Even now, he could not believe that she was gone. She had been such a huge part of his life, even though they had not had a long time together. Only twelve years…they go by in a blink for one with such a long lifespan as he.
He had not set out to love her…it was never his intention. Without the love that he held for her in his heart, he would not be in the pain that he now was. He would not feel such a crushing feeling in his breast every time that he thought of living for the next minute, hour, day, week, month, year, decade, century, millennium, eternity, without her by his side. He was still counting the time since her passing (eighteen months, five days, three hours, and sixteen minutes)…how long would he continue to? How long would it be until he had a minute where he did not think she is dead? How long would it be until a day went by that he did not think of her smile? Her laugh? Her taste? The sound of her cries, the day she died?
He had not set out to love her. She was a human, she was a miko, worst of all, she belonged to his hated half-brother. She loved him. She was never meant to be his, and he was never meant to love her. Fate rarely listened to what it was that we set out to do, however. He first grew to respect her, then later that respect grew to admiration. It was only later that he grew to love her. He fought by her side, he saved her life, he was saved by her in return. She taught him to laugh. She taught him tolerance, which in the end salvaged his relationship with the last of his blood. She taught him so many things…why couldn’t she have taught him how to survive without her? How could she have left him?
He had not set out to love her, but apparently, his beast had other thoughts on the subject. No one had understood their relationship. He had nearly lost his kingdom for her. He had fought many bloody battles to win the right to take a human mate, to make her the Lady of the Western Lands. In the end, it was Inuyasha’s staunch support that helped him turn the tide. With his lands secure and his love by his side, he returned to the Western Citadel to begin his life.
She had given so much to him. She gave him a new purpose. He had given away his dreams of supreme conquest, because he had found it in her eyes. He found it in her touch, in her whispered endearments in his ear, and in the unwavering support and love that she gave to him. She gave him the courage to show Rin how much he really cared for her, and give her the love he would a daughter (which is exactly what Sesshoumaru thought of her as). She gave him the courage to make amends with his brother, showed him how to lose the hatred and hurt that had come from his father setting aside his mother to pursue Izayoi, and showed him that it was not Inuyasha’s fault, and that he should no longer be blamed for the mistakes of his parents. She gave him hope. Hope that he could be happy, that the barriers that he had placed around his emotions could be broken, that he would not be lonely for the entirety of his life.
She gave him love.
And on the last day of her life, she gave him a son.
Sesshoumaru stood there, before her grave, and could not believe that she was gone. How would he explain to his son, his full-youkai son, that she was gone? How was he going to tell him about the beautiful, kind, courageous, wise, and wonderful woman that his mother was? How was he going to raise his son to understand what a gift his mother had given to him. To them both? How could he ever be able to express to their child just how much he had loved his mate? How would any words be enough? How?
How could you tell a pup that his mother was no longer there? That she had chosen to leave them?
He had not set out to love her. But he did. He did. And she was gone, and he did not know how to go on without her. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to anymore.
When the last breath left her body, he had wanted to die with her. But he could not. He looked down at her petite body, cut from breast bone to pubic bone, flayed open, and he knew that he could not follow her. She had sacrificed too much, and even given her very life, to see that their pup, their son, lived. He could not dishonor her so much, could not make her sacrifice in vain. He must stay on this plane, for their son, so that he could grow to be a proud, honorable youkai, and could know about his mother, about her compassion, her honor, and above all, her never-ending love. He would show her the honor she deserved.
When they first knew that she was with pup, she was so happy, she outshone the sun. Her entire pregnancy she was happy and hopeful. When she first went into labor, she was scared of the pain but anxious to meet their son. She could not wait to hold him in her arms. She couldn’t wait to see his face. When her labor was entering the second day, she was afraid. She begged him to help her.
As much as he did not want to face the truth, he knew he must. He had failed her. He had failed them all.
He tried in vain to find a healer to help her. He even shot off in his orb to find a healer on the continent. He did not want to leave his distressed mate’s side, but he knew something had to be done. He could not find what he searched for, and returned to the Citadel empty-handed.
She did not berate him. She did not blame him. She beckoned him closer and asked him to do the one thing that could save her. The one thing he could not do.
She asked him to cut the pup from her body.
He pleaded with her to be strong. He promised her he would find another way. He begged her to stay with him.
She told him that either he could save the pup, or he could lose them both. She pleaded with him to be strong. She promised him there was no other way. She begged him to let her go.
In the end, she whispered in his ear that no matter what, she would find a way back to him. Love like theirs could not be stopped by death. She swore she would find him again.
He relented. He used his claws, and freed his son from her womb. He turned towards her after he lifted the boy free. He wanted to see her, to see her as she saw their pup. He was too late. By the time he turned his face back to her, she was gone.
He kissed her, he shook her, he begged her to come back, but it was too late. She had died before she was even able to see their pup, to see that it had her impossibly blue eyes and his impossibly silver hair. She never got to see the markings that stood out on the pup’s chubby face, or the fact that he not only had Sesshoumaru’s markings but a star-shaped scar on his side, in exactly the place where the Shikon no Tama had been torn from his mother.
The next few weeks were a blur. The funerals. The overwhelming joy of a pup, an heir, and the overwhelming sadness of losing his mate. The public celebrations and the outcries of mourning. The people had learned to love her, as all eventually did, and were elated and crushed by the news of the day.
He shuddered as he thought back on having to notify his brother, of her former tachi. He thought of the pain he saw in the face of his ward. He thought of how Jaken had staggered when he heard the news. She had even won over the heart of his human-hating vassal. It seemed like the horrors of those first days and weeks would never end.
Now he stood here, at her grave, and for the first time, felt tears in his eyes. He held his son, and let them fall down his face. They left a mark on him, as bright as the sun and as permanent as ink. They did not mark his impossibly handsome features, they marked his soul. These marks, left by his sorrow and tears and love, would burn like a beacon, guiding her soul back to him. He nuzzled his son, and told him what a wonderful woman his mother was, and how much he loved her, even though he had not set off to love her.
He looked down at her grave and whispered to her, “You promised, miko. Come back to me. I can love no other.”
He turned, and walked away.
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At that moment, the Lady of the Northern Lands gave one last push, and at last, her kitten was free. She looked down at her newest daughter, and was shocked to see startling blue eyes and black hair. Her mate came in to see his newest kitten, and was surprised at the appearance. Since they were both youkai, and paternity was never a doubt, he was not put off by the black hair and blue eyes, even though his mate had red hair and green eyes, and he had yellow hair and purple eyes. He looked at his tiny daughter, with her striking features, her strange burgundy, and blue markings, and her pink marking on her side, in the shape of a star. He looked at her, and could not help thinking about the descriptions he had heard of the deceased Western Lady. The named slipped from his lips even before he knew it.
“Kagome.”
The Lady of the North looked at him with a smile. “A lovely name, she shall be called Kagome.”
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Sesshoumaru felt a strange stirring in his soul as he flew back to the Citadel with his son in his arms. He could feel her presence around him once more, a gentle caress. He closed his eyes, hoping to savor it.
As the unseen hands left his face, he heard a message on the wind, “I always keep my promises, beloved…”
A peace he had not known since before her death swept over him.