Mercury (quick take me before I start singing the dreadful planets song)
Warnings: OOC-ness, and damage to technology (if you people can't figure out the dining room to your comp station! -shakes fist-) and some deprived oxygen. This is a Humor/PARODY. Nothing short of torture XP
Summary: Sesshomaru just landed himself the blandest, sarcastic, annoying, blunt secretary...at least she was competent. Sess/Kag.
Every Planet We Reach Is Dead
Mercury
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It was one of those days that peace was forever a foreign and alien word, especially in the world of business where they have those damnable contraptions called intercom that goes off with a loud "beeeeep!"
Followed by the most dreadful person you'd never want to meet outside of work ever again.
"Sir?"
"Yes demon bitch?"
"Very funny. I thought we established the no 'nicknames' argument," He could just hear the slight amusement from her voice, "Less of course you'd taken a liking to me calling you fluffy-"
"I'd rather impale myself than take a liking to that name and least of all to something like you."
"Oooh, oww. Really boss and I thought that was reserved for your brother."
"You've been demoted."
"There were ranks?"
"And it's half-brother."
"You don't look like it."
"I thought I gave you enough money for that lasik surgery, woman."
"No, you told me I need a new pair of "fashionable" glasses and some make-up."
"And you haven't."
A pause stretched on for a good second.
"...my cat needed a surgery."
There were times Sesshomaru Taisho heir to the biggest, richest, glorious empire of the world, most stalked (because sought was just too blasé and overrun) after bachelor in the whole universe (yes universe, he was that renowned) and almighty, powerful demon in the land was-
"Boss, you there? 'Cuz you know I've figured these silent relapses of yours... are well...-"
"What is it Higurashi?"
"I'm concerned." Her voice took on that annoyingly pressing tone almost mocking, yet never fails to fool him one bit.
"You need not concern yourself on my person."
"Sure and when some chick ask for alimony for your supposed bastard kids you had me on speed dial." he could feel her air quotes in the air, knowing her with an ear pressed to her shoulder while taking a pause in filing her nails.
"What was that?" ice dripped with careful venom.
"Nothing! I'm just coinciding with your magnificent knowledge considering the bastard-y of your brother that should not have been produced by your equally esteemed father, whom married a gorgeous human princess and left you all alone in this hell-"
Click.
A clawed hand pinched the bridge of his nose. Why? The silver-haired demon wondered, restraining himself from smacking his beautiful head on his polished cherry wood desk, accompanied with banging it with his silver stapler.
Why did he listen to stupid, ugly Jakken that suggested he needed a secretary? Wasn't his color enough of a warning!? Like a bread gone stale! Why did he even bother!? And most of all why did he closed his eyes and did mini-mini-my-nii-mo to pick a random resume to interview?!
Of course there was a reason for lack of secretaries before, being the sexy beast that he is, surely no demon or human female (or disgustingly enough, male) could be able to resist him. Besides the whole package of rich, tall, dark, handsome and downright oozing with pheromones are enough to put him on the queen bee spotlight.
And no he didn't like it one bit.
The editor of that writing company that dared to put him on the same category as some hapless flying bug...well let's just say they've taken their writing on toilet papers.
But managing a huge company was a pain even in a demon's behind. And his father just recently been acquainted with a disease called Alzheimer's and wished him good luck and flew off to Tahiti. He swore if his father by chance got another woman pregnant...he was going to disown the family altogether.
After that, the elder idiot summoned the younger idiot as his partner...Inuyasha.
As his VP.
He knew his father was dying soon, but not nearly soon enough for his liking to kill the hanyou himself.
Putting one imbecile into a company that can't even tell which floor was the garage and the lobby did absolutely no help! And all he could lend to the company was simply "do" almost every available female with two legs and large chest (though Sesshomaru heard a rumor that he did it with one of his prosthetic-legged worker, but he didn't want to know further details). It does make up for firing a lot of incompetent buffoons though.
Simply put, Inuyasha was more of a bug-detector/repellant than a VP.
In fact, his secretary knows more (from the latest gossip downstairs to their stockholders) about the company and its work than his supposed VP...who can't even remember the girl he slept with the other night.
That of course became the downside of her being smart mouthed and downright nosy when it came to his business, either inside or outside.
-beeeep!
He contemplated smashing the phone on the wall, but decided against it knowing that the girl would just barge in his office, therefore revealing more of her annoying presence that he would like.
"What?" it was the voice that could make any man cower, and Jakken pee while praising him all the while...except her.
"Gee, someone took the wrong car for the day."
"The idiotic hanyou took the Lamborghini."
"Figures. He must be tourquin' it out like crazy, you gotta check it afterwards. He might just bring a girl and leave another con-"
"He knows better if he doesn't want to be skewered."
"Well he's not getting any smarter you know."
"I know."
"I say he enjoys that trip down your window too much."
"Exactly, only a dimwit would."
"...Do you ever feel alienated in your family?"
"And in work, yes."
"Hey! That doesn't include me does it!? I'm a genius you know! Hey-"
Click.
He massaged his temples. Where was a chart to analyze when you need one?
-beeep!
Fangs snap in irritation.
-beeep!
Claws tick wishing blood and flesh to tear.
-bee--!
"Higurashi, stop playing-"
"I forgot, butterscotch's on line three."
"Butterscotch?" he hated it when she uses abominable nicknames for his business clients.
"Yeah, you know that Mongolian dude that became your eternal buggy enemy."
"You mean Menomaru." He sighed, "I thought he was Darth Vader."
"Nah, he's not as evil as Naraku."
"I see, put him on."
"'Kay. Oh! And oh!"
"What?"
"The girl who always come here claiming to be your wife-"
"Throw her out."
"She changed her story saying she's your long, lost daughter."
"..."
"Boss? Is it true?"
"Throw her Jakken."
"He's on vacation."
"What?"
"Remember he said he's going back to Florida?"
"He's from Florida?"
"No, he said the swamps are nice, and the ladies didn't care if he looked at them."
Sesshomaru had a strong urge to really kill something today.
"Higurashi, just do something about it. Call security, throw her, or even kill her, I don't care. I don't want that woman barging in here. Understood?"
"I told you to buy dog hounds-"
"What was that?"
"Nothing! Here's butterscotch, yours truly."
"Just get her off my floor."
"Just buy pitbulls next time-"
Click.
"What do you want?"
"Ah! Sesshomaru, a pleasure to hear your lovely voice-"
"Last time I check, I'm still going straight."
"You wound me so!"
"Menomaru, is there a reason for this call?"
"Of course! You know I've been interested in your sec-"
"She's not for sale in retail price, thank you, call again."
Click.
Just outside his door...(God, does he sorely need a sound proof!)
"-Ma'am, he really isn't appreciating this-"
"You didn't tell him I am Kaguya Taisho!! I am his daughter!"
"Really? Didn't know my boss go inter-bred crossing between a cat and a bird-"
"I am his daughter!! Sesshy-daddy!!"
"That's it! I am not going to lose another hard earned 45 dollars and 23 cents for this."
Sesshomaru merely dragged his hands over his face, knowing his secretary, she must've done this in mano y mano style.
He had to wait another, he looked over his watch...at least eight more hours to find his brother and vent all his pent up frustrations that piled over him in a day.
And he had another business meeting too.
All the more reason for an extra spar.
...No wonder Inuyasha was a recluse.
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This is also posted on my FF account, but meh! 'Thought I could humor ya guys in here too. :) This form is drabbles/one shot interconnections of Sess/Kag cliches and the usual 'omg! that ttly was written by a 12-yr-old mwah!' moments, do please take no offense. Meaning I've read so many 'kill me now moments' in a Sess/Kag, that I would like to just poke fun at, and I know ya'll do too. lol Just laugh along while pouring salt. XP
Oh and trust me...this will get weirder. lol