Chapter One
A Pure Heart’s Lonely Wish
There was an emptiness that lingered inside Kagome in the years following her father’s death. It was one that she could never truly put into words, one that felt as vast and as deep as the ocean itself. The guilt ate away at her soul, feeding off of thoughts that she could have done more, that if she had paddled a little harder or kept her head above water a little longer, maybe she could have found him. Maybe she could have saved him. It was a burden that dragged her spirit low and made her feel like she wanted to collapse in on herself. No matter how much it hurt her, she knew she could not share those thoughts with anyone else; they were her penance for her failure.
Four years after the death of her father, Kagome was sitting in the old shed just behind their house. The shed was littered with old spiritual relics and ancient artifacts that her grandfather convinced himself were more than just useless junk. Seated at the centre of the shed, was an old dried up well. The wood was worn, and splintered in some places and Kagome wondered what rough days the old well had seen. It also carried a faint scent of Sakura blossoms that Kagome found comforting, like kindling to the hope that it contained magic, just as her grandfather promised. She had pile of stones lying next to her as she peered over the lip of the well into its ominous, black depths. Ji-chan had told her that the well was magical, a secret passed down through generation after generation of Higurashi shrine keepers.
“No one knows what powers the well holds any longer, but my own grandmother swore that if your heart was pure and you threw a stone to the bottom and made a wish, the well would make your wish come true,” Ji-chan had told her, the wizened pleat of his face and twinkle in his eyes daring her to believe in the impossible.
And so there she sat, with a pile of stones beside her every day for 7 months, dropping stones into the well and wishing some way somehow her father would return. At first, each time she heard the crack of the stone as it hit the others that had accumulated over the months at the bottom of the well, she would rush out into the courtyard in search of her father. But he never came. Eventually, Kagome began dropping the stones whenever she needed time to think. She would still make wishes each time she did, hoping that if at least one came true, then maybe the most important wish she had would come true too. Each time she heard the soft sound of rock hitting rock at the bottom of the well, she realised her wishes didn’t come true and her heart sunk further into itself.
She grabbed a glittering pink stone from her pile. It was perfectly round and shone like a jewel, emitting a faint pastel glow in the dimmed light of the shed. Her mother said it was the strangest thing she had ever seen the night they had found the jewel. One night, about a week after she and her father brought Kagome back from the hospital, they found a very fussy baby Kagome sucking on the strange stone in her cradle. Neither of her parents knew just how it had ended up there, this strange jewel that glowed pink and was clearly a choking hazard for their newborn baby girl. Her father thought it to be a blessing from their ancestors and treated the stone with utmost reverence, taking it out each year on her birthday to marvel at its glow with her. According to Mama, it was this strange finding that inspired her father’s endearing nickname for her “the jewel of his soul”. The jewel had been kept safely in a box with all of Kagome’s other baby things for most of her life.
Kagome gripped the pink stone in rage, her palm was pleated and white as she held the cursed rock above her head. She wanted to pelt it into the darkness below, she wanted to hear it crack and break and hear her mother scream at her when she realised it was missing. She wanted everything to burn around her. She wanted everyone else to feel the pain she was feeling. She froze, ready to cast it down into the well where it would lay, forgotten, just like all her other hopes and wishes.
“I wish- I- I wish- I wish I was strong enough to save him. I don’t want to be here alone,” Kagome spluttered out, tears streaming down her face.
She slowly released pink stone into well and watched as the faint glow was swallowed by the darkness. There was a faint “clink” as it hit the other stones on the bottom and Kagome buried her hand in her hands and sobbed. She felt her body shake and tremble with the sheer force of her grief and she realised that even now, four years later, the wound of her father’s death was still fresh and raw. She was so consumed in her pain that she did not see the pink tendrils of light reaching out to her from the depths of the well like a tentative embrace. Vaguely, she registered feeling herself pulled over the lip of the well, but there was no fight left in her, no fear, on the empty feeling of wanting to fall into the black depth of the well.
There was a weightless feeling in the fall, a gentle flip of her stomach that eerily reminded her of being flipped sideways by the current of the ocean. Kagome expected that she would have been smacked into the earthen floor of the well, broken her bones and scratched her skin on the countless stones she had thrown and died a slow, painful death like she deserved. What she did not expect, was to find herself sitting comfortably on the damp, cold dirt of the floor, looking up to a see a clear blue sky. There were no rocks at the bottom of the well like she had expected and the pink stone she had only just thrown down moments ago was nowhere to be found. There was a strange tugging sensation in her chest that drew her eyes to the skies. The well did it. It granted my wish. I’m not home. I’m somewhere where Otousan is. It did it. It brought me to him. My heart was pure and it granted my wish. Kagome’s mind was racing as she struggled to find a way out of the depths of the old, dried well.
Her eyes spotted some vines growing on the walls and she tested her weight against it. Once she was sure they would support her, she forced herself to climb all the way back to the top of the well. As she gripped the rim of the opening, she felt the wood thrum beneath her fingers, as though it responded to her touch. A hysterical smile split her face in two as she bolted for the familiar Goshinboku tree that sat alone in the centre of a decidedly unfamiliar clearing. She ran towards the tree, shouting for her father before she stopped herself. There was no shed, no house she had grown up in, no Mama, no Souta, no baby Seiki, no Ji-chan. No Papa. Where exactly was she?
Alone, afraid and confused, Kagome curled up under the shadows of the Goshinboku tree and wept until she fell asleep. She felt the wish she had only momentarily been elated to have come true, slowly morph itself into a nightmare. She was stranded in this strange place and there was no one else around. As brave as she tried to be to herself, she could not bear to venture into the thicket of forest just beyond the clearing. The first night was lonely and cold. She begged the well to send her back home, promised that she would be a good girl and would always listen to Mama, but there was just the constant thrum of energy nibbling at her fingers as she rested them on the splintered, worn, wood of the well. When her throat had been screamed raw and her tears began making water stains on the well, she resigned to her fate. There was no one coming to save her, there was no waking up from the dream, there was only the endless darkness and her ragged beating heart. Darkly, she wondered if the well had granted her other wish, if she had really plummeted to her death after her fall into the well and was having her soul weighed against some arbitrary measure. She sat beneath the tree, gripping her knees to her chest, afraid to sleep alone in the darkness.
When day had finally broken, she let herself release the breath she had been holding in. She hadmade it through this strange night in this eerie place that had seemed like home but was not. She blinked and watched in horror as a woman dressed in a blood red kimono, bound and tied with a pristine white obi shimmered into existence. Kagome blinked several times, not sure if it was the hunger or confusion of the place she was in that made a strange woman appeared out of thin air before her. Kagome scrambled back into the bark of the Goshinboku tree as she realised the woman was in fact real, or appeared to be real at least.
The woman watched her in silence, the morning sun bathing her in light and highlighting the sharp perfection of her features. Her aura was a rigid slicing of blades to Kagome’s mind and if she squinted in the sunlight, she could see a faint silver light fluttering around the woman’s exacting form. Their eyes locked and the woman raised an appraising brow. Kagome could tell she was sizing her up, weighing her, taking note of her lanky limbs, her thin arms, her wild, unkempt hair. She could feel the judgement seeping through the severe line of the woman’s tightly pinched mouth.
“I see you’ve made it through the night, little miko. I was worried you would throw yourself headfirst back into that well at some point. Hm. Well. You are full of surprises aren’t you. Here a whole, what, two years before you are meant to flower? Feisty one, aren’t you. We haven’t had one as young as you in at least 200 years! Well, never mind that now, I suppose. Come with me, we have much to discuss.”
Kagome glared up from beneath the Goshinboku tree, her brown eyes beaded and distrusting. “I am not going anywhere with you. Who the fuck even are you?!” Kagome yelled.
No sooner had the curse slipped out of her mouth, did Kagome feel the sting of a slap mar her face. She had not even seen the woman move but somehow, she was face to face with her, their noses nearly touching as Kagome brought her hand up to her cheek. The slap had shaken Kagome’s head and rattled her senses, leaving a faint ringing her in her ears. The woman gripped Kagome’s face taut between her fingers, keeping her in place despite her meagre attempts at struggle.
“First lesson little miko, never ever disrespect your teacher. Second lesson, know the thunder of your enemy’s strike before you make your move. Now come, let us leave. There is much to discuss,” the woman pushed Kagome’s face back and rose with the poise and grace of a geisha.
Without a second glance, the woman slowly shuffled out of the shadow of the tree towards the thick beckoning forest, her blood red kimono glowing in the morning light.
“Who are you?” Kagome asked again, this time more forcefully as she rose defiantly to her feet. The woman’s slivery aura flared wider as she threw a glance over her shoulder.
“I am the breaker of the weak and the healer of the broken. I am the shiver of fear in a demon’s spine. I am the protector of the innocent and the sword of the righteous. I am Seima, the Blood Miko and I do not speak twice.”
Kagome stared at the woman’s retreating form, unsure what any of that babbling nonsense meant. There was that tug in her chest again, literally pulling her feet towards Seima’s retreating figure. With two clenched fists, a sneer and a sickening clench of her stomach Kagome gingerly began following the strange woman in red making no effort to cease her macabre thoughts that she was walking to her doom.
Kagome’s first interaction with Seima moulded the following centuries long relationship that would ensue between them. As they walked through the forest, Seima began questioning Kagome in what would become her typical severe and blunted tone.
What strange occurrences had recently befallen her?
Falling down a well and ending up in this godforsaken place with a woman who either wants to kill or molest her.
Whack!
Had she seen any strange things lately?
A silvery, flame that danced around the edges of the woman she was sure was going to maim and molest her.
Whack!
What had she wished from the well when she was brought here? A slow torturous death, which would clearly come in the form of the ruler hidden in her proposed molester’s kimono.
Kagome narrowly avoided being whacked after that comment and smirked when Seima levelled a look at her.
“You learn quickly. Good,” Seima nodded and continued walking through the forest. Seima was right to call herself the Blood Miko, Kagome thought bitterly as she glanced down at the whacks which had welted red, threatening to draw blood.
They continued in the forest, Seima asking her questions incessantly and ignoring any questions countered by Kagome.
“When did you first feel the magic’s tug?” Seima finally asked stopped abruptly and keeping her eyes forward on the path before them. Kagome stopped in her tracks. How did she know about the tugging in her chest?
“How do you know about that?” Kagome demanded, her eyes narrowing suspiciously. Seima’s eyes shifted to Kagome’s much smaller frame, her face remained a blank page. “When?” Seima urged. Kagome scowled at the ground before grinding out her response, “About 4 years ago.”
Seima seemed to ponder that for a while longer before abruptly resuming their trek.
“How long do you think you’ve been here?” Seima continued her barrage of questions.
“How long have I been here?”
Whack!
“Fuck!”
Whack!
“Okay! Okay! One night?”
Seima’s mouth twitched. “Time runs differently when the well is concerned.”
Kagome was once again unsure of what Seima meant by this.
As they continued on, Kagome noticed the forest thinning until they came to a tiny hut seated at the edge of a river. Kagome drew a ragged breath in at the sight of the body of water, feeling the air burn her throat in a way that made her feel she was drowning. Seima paused, sending a raised eyebrow Kagome’s way. Kagome took a few more breaths, trying to still her raging heartbeat and release the constricting nausea that was building in her stomach. Us Higurashis face our fears head on, she thought to herself as she steeled her resolve and continued following Seima towards the quaint hut. She ignored the way her knees threatened to buckle at the sound of the trickling water, unable to comprehend how even years later she was still this affected by the mere sound of running water. Seima’s hut seemed much larger on the inside than it looked on the outside, sprawling lavishly and unnaturally. Kagome hopped in and out of the hut several times, certain that her eyes were playing tricks on her. Seima smirked at her, simply gesturing for Kagome to find a seat on the mat before her.
“You are a very brave young girl, did you know that?” Seima began, a softness seeping into her voice that caught Kagome’s attention if not her suspicions. This was a marked change in the woman she had recently been forced to acquaint herself with.
“I was fourteen years old when the well first appeared to me. There was a tugging in my chest while I was running playing with the other children. At first, I thought it was the aftereffects of a ghastly cough that had swept through the village a few months prior, nearly claiming my life. I had felt it before, all those months ago while I lay in my parent’s house screaming for my mother as I thought I would die,” Seima’s lips twisted in a wry smile. Kagome could not help but hold her breath, waiting for Seima to finish her tale, “I felt my chest constrict while I chased my best friend. I stopped and then my feet drew me further into the forest. I had no idea where I was going, I ignored all the calls of my friends and just continued into the trees. I just knew that something in me demanded that I follow the tugging in my chest. There in the shadows of the forest, I found the old well.”
“At first the magic was gentle, soft pink tendrils coaxing me closer to the edge. When I hesitated, the magic flung me over the edge of the well and dragged me to the darkness below. I fell through time, I-I think. I- I saw things I still don’t understand to this day,” Seima’s voice shook slightly, and Kagome was instantly grateful that her journey through the well was a little less traumatic. She felt her heart soften then, towards the rigid woman who had guided her this far.
“When I came to, I was at the base of the Goshinboku tree, right where I found you. For three nights I slept below the tree, too frightened to move even an inch from that spot. I was cold, frightened and alone. My own teacher appeared soon after, in all her capricious glory,” this was said with a scowl that frowned Seima’s perfect features into something wicked. “She taught me everything I know to this day, including some of the lost secrets of the well. Do you feel it too, when you touch the wood? It is like…” Seima faltered.
“Like a hum,” Kagome provided, looking down at her finger tips.
Seima nodded briskly and continued, “Yes. Exactly that. Like a hum in the wood. It’s alive you see, the well. And it responds, ever so unpredictably, to the magic of others.” Kagome’s eyes glassed over as they met Seima’s. Seima sighed, placing an up-turned palm between them. Her lashes fluttered close, and her brow twitched in concentration as a spark of red energy cracked in her open hand. Kagome pushed herself back, emitting a shrill cry in her shock. She watched, awestruck as the red energy flickered like a flame then collapsed on itself into a perfectly spherical ball, then a leaf before it crumbled before her eyes and was reabsorbed into Seima’s hand. “Lesson three, Kagome, magic lives inside us all. It is up to us to have the might to use it,” Seima said, her brows knitting together. Kagome was so overwhelmed by everything that had happened thus far, she didn’t even bother to think or question how Seima had known her name.
“We who have the proclivity for magic often feel its burdens most acutely. Do you understand what I’m saying?” Kagome nodded, although she didn’t really know what Seima meant.
Seima drew a deep breath in, “We each have to bear our burdens in this lifetime, Kagome, no matter how big and fierce they may seem they are our burdens to bear.”
At this, Kagome nodded, “We face our fears, head on.”
Seima smiled in a way that didn’t quite reach her eyes as she nodded.
“The burden we face, women like you and me,” Kagome blushed at the thought of being a woman, her hands hugging her small eleven-year-old frame, “is twofold. As the kamis ordain, there is a great evil that has been tailored to each of us that we must defeat. This is written into the stars upon our birth and we cannot run from it, no matter how hard we try. Fate is funny like that, it catches up to you eventually. Then we must pass on the teachings of our elders to the next generation of mikos that come after us.” Seima paused, giving Kagome time to catch up to her meaning.
“We have many teachers and many students in our lifetime. Sometimes we have many evils we face, but ultimately, there is only of each specially fated by the kamis for us. I fought my great evil 250 years ago and gave my life to save the world and those I love. I had not yet fulfilled the other section of my destiny, to pass on the teachings shared with me to another young miko. The kamis, they b-blessed me with this place,” Seima’s eyes hardened, “a place all on my own where I train young mikos, just like you Kagome.”
Kagome blinked once, then twice. Miko? That was what Ji-chan called the spiritual priestesses of old, the ones who fought demons and healed bodies and saved the souls of the damned. Miko… she tested the word in the tongue of her mind.
“Am I…a miko?” Kagome felt her voice squeeze out of her throat under the weight of the conversation. Seima closed her eyes before nodding, almost afraid of Kagome’s reaction, “Hai.”
“And I have a ‘great evil’ to defeat?” Kagome pressed further.
“Hai.”
A silence fell between them as Kagome turned the impossible story around in her mind. She would have kicked Seima right in the couche and ran away screaming if her experience with the well hadn’t mirrored Seima’s story so perfectly. Kagome frowned and stared at her hands, willing them to spark to life like Seima’s had moments ago. She felt her face go red with effort until she saw it, a trick of the light or maybe something more. There, for the briefest of seconds, Kagome saw a flash of pale lavender light crack at her fingertips. It was then Kagome let out the breath she had been holding as her fingers collapsed into a fist. Feeling something inside her grow hard and firm, she met Seima’s cautious gaze and thought back to her wish.
“Will you make me strong?”
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Kagome was stationed with Seima for a gruelling three years after their fateful meeting. Her training with Seima was arduous and intensive, spanning offensive and defensive combat training, history lessons, mythical lore, battle strategy and more. There were many times when Kagome felt the devastating blow of missing home and would spend nights camped out at the bottom of the Well, begging to be taken home. Seima, in all her sharp edges, glares and corporal punishment was patient and understanding when those moments came. Kagome would awaken to find no change in her surroundings, climbing up the vines at the sides of the Well with a heavy heart. Seima would be waiting for her when she climbed out and wordlessly led her back to their camp to resume her training.
It was torturous, in many ways for Kagome. Most of all it was lonely. She was in the middle of running through the basis of a new bo kata with Seima when she felt it; that unmistakeable tug in the base of her belly. This was different than what she had experienced when she first came to this strange place, but without a doubt she knew it was Well’s magic calling to her. She dropped her staff, confused at the feeling and looked up at Seima. Seima, ever astute and watchful, noticed the shift in Kagome’s countenance immediately.
“I felt it too, young one. The Well calls to you, doesn’t it?” she asked solemnly. She looked at Kagome who had grown over the years in her care. Kagome was much taller, and much snarkier at age 14 and was slowly becoming competent in her training. Slowly they were making their way to Kagome honing the magic at her fingertips to more physical manifestations instead of errant sparks.
Kagome nodded touching her stomach near her womb, “I feel it here, as if it is pulling me home.” Seima let out a mysterious “Hn” before nodding. There were few words exchanged between them as they finished running through the kata and ate a light meal of mushroom soup.
The silence hung between them as they made their way back to the well, the site of their first meeting three years prior. Together, they stared at the lone Well sitting innocuously in the middle of the clearing. Seima was the first to break the tension.
“Kagome,” she began nervously, “do you remember what I told you when you first came here?”
Kagome nodded, “Yes, that you would maim and molest me.”
Artfully dodging the whack of Seima’s ruler, Kagome ducked her head and jumped a few centimetres away from her irate teacher with a giggle.
“No foolish girl. About time. About time and this place.”
“You said time runs differently with the Well.”
“A blessing and a curse, I suppose. When the Well returns you, I don’t know what you will find on the other side.”
“Seima-sensei can you not speak in riddles for once? Or use big words? My head is hurting from the last whack you gave me.”
Seima’s lips pressed together in a thin line of displeasure, remembering Kagome’s transgression that had earned her the last whacking earlier that day. “The Well visited me many times throughout my lifetime. It took me to many a teacher and many an evil but, sometimes, when I would return to my own time, I would find that years had passed in my absence or months, or days. It was different each time, but I often returned to a body that had not aged. Once I spent a decade in the Edo era at odds with a particularly nasty bear demon that ravaged the countryside preying on helpless virgins village to village. When I finally defeated him and returned to my time, I found that only an hour had passed since I had last left in the Well. It is… a disconcerting experience.”
Kagome groaned at the word “disconcerting”, making a mental note to find the word’s meaning at some point.
Seima narrowed her eyes at Kagome’s groan, “You have spent three years growing and learning in this place. Maturing? Well, one can’t expect so many miracles from the kamis. You are not the same 11-year-old girl that fell through that well when we first met but…when you return to your own time, you very well may be. Or you may have been missing for months or years and show up at your family’s door with no explanation for how you haven’t aged a day. I just want you to be prepared for that.”
Kagome frowned at this. She had left her home behind her so long ago now and the thought of returning to life as it had been made her squirm uncomfortably. Shoving her anxiety to the side, she pressed her lips into a thin line, imitating Seima’s schooled resolve and approached the Well. She could feel the wood vibrate gently below her fingers, its magic reacting to her touch.
“Don’t worry, Seima-sensei. If the Well means for me to traverse across time and space like you say, then it better help me figure out an alibi for my Mama if I’m missing for more than one hour, or else,” she muttered with a glare at the pock marks on the wood. She felt the thrum of energy beneath her fingers as she swung her legs over the ledge and stared into the darkness of the Well. The energy sent a small shock through her hand, as if the Well was cross with her thinly veiled threat. Seima kept her mouth in that same rigid line.
“Be safe, Kagome. I hope we do not cross paths again.”
Kagome threw her head back and laughed. With a small salute and nerves of steel Kagome Higurashi released a breath and jumped.
Unlike many times over the last three years in her life, the bottom of the Well did not meet her feet. Instead, she was surrounded by a pale pink light that engulfed her and invaded her eyes until it was all she saw. Somewhere, in the blindness of her travel through time and space, Kagome caught a glimpse of a woman with a dark blue crescent on her forehead smiling at her. The woman’s face felt intimately familiar. In a moment, the light and the smiling woman were gone. There was an immediate feel of darkness surrounding her and she looked up to see the ceiling of the shed in her back yard. She felt shrunken in her body, like a hermit crab forced to endure a shell long outgrown. Shivering at the feeling, she shook her head. There was a sharp pain at the base of her skull as her memories of the time spent with Seima collected and settled in her mind. Blinking in the darkness, she felt for the vines at the walls of the Well and hauled herself up. Her body felt weird, as if it knew it was stronger than it currently was but couldn’t quite access said strength. Kagome’s mind spun at the barrage of unanswered questions about her condition.
Flinging herself over the Well’s edge, she was met by the curious gaze of her grandfather. They stared at each other for a long time, neither saying a word. He looked deep into Kagome’s eyes and something in his face softened. Approaching her gingerly, he reached out and put a warm hand to her cheek. Kagome wondered if he could see the age in her eyes, if he could tell she was not the same person he had last seen, whenever that had been.
“Your mother’s been looking for you for hours. She’s just about to call the police. I came in here to look for you and saw- well I’m don’t quite know what I saw. I saw a light, and then I saw you,” he paused.
Kagome watched his aged face contort in confusion as he took a breath and examined her. He held her hands, turning her palms over in search of damage. He spun her around, touched at her hair and found his way back to her eyes. She knew then that he saw something different in them.
“Kagome, my jewel, where have you been?”.
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Author's note:
Enjoy, review and let me know what you think :)
Updates once a week, every Friday, Saturday or Sunday.
NB: Due to Dokuga's weird update bug, the second chapter was doubled and then when i delted it and readded it, the site would not allow me to re-arrange the chapters in the proper order. In light of this, Chapter two is added on to this chapter on Dokuga only. Apologies for an inconvenience caused.
Chapter Two
The Fantasies of Hope
Ji-chan was the closest thing Kagome had to a parent after her father died. Her mother, who had very much been a kept woman for most of her life came from a wealthy family and quickly married a successful young doctor. She rarely had want or need for anything and work was as foreign to her as the brand names she wore on a daily basis. When the broken pieces of her husband’s red surfboard washed up on shore that fateful day, she became a cash-strapped single mother of three in one fell swoop. She worked three jobs and had little time for her children while struggling to keep both her family and the ancient Higurashi shrine afloat. Somewhere in her mind, Kagome knew it had to have been difficult for her mother. Her little brother, Seiki, was born five months after her father died. Her mother did not hold him for the first few months of his life.
For all her pampered and primped lifestyle, Mei Higurashi had an uncanny knack for survival and was very much grounded in the perilous reality of their financial situation. While Ji-chan believed Kagome’s lavish tale of the magic Well, the grand destiny and the secret powers almost instantaneously, her mother instead gave an exasperated sigh and pulled out a calculator to budget in therapy sessions for Kagome. She had no time for the nonsense dreams of children when poverty threatened to knock at their door with a single overdue bill.
Kagome’s powers and nebulous fate that had been dished out by the strange woman in the Well was a thing of great contention in their house for many years. It created an unbridgeable chasm between mother and daughter that widened with each passing day. Kagome heard her mother’s distrust and annoyance in the years of silence that settled between them. It was loud and suffocating. Although her mother had no choice but to believe Kagome’s incredulous tale when she forced the pale purple sparks of magic from her hand and brought home a 13th century jewel encrusted golden goblet from medieval Spain (stolen from a particularly sadistic demon who had ravaged hundreds of souls under the guise of piety), there was not much that could be done to repair their relationship. It was an ever-yawning distance between them that cut Kagome deeper each time she felt it. It was there when Mei told her to stop crying at her father’s funeral, there when she slapped her for screaming bloody murder at the nightmares of that horrible voice that kept her from sleep. Mostly it was there when she scowled at the sight of Kagome’s presence.
The day her mother threatened to put Ji-chan in a home if Kagome didn’t “stop all this nonsense of world saving and saved her abysmal grades” was the day Kagome knew her mother hated her. The resentment took seed that day and kept growing within Kagome until she could barely stand to be in the same room as Mei. She was, for all intents and purposes, an orphan in this world. But at least she had Ji-chan. He was the one thing that made her life in the present feel worth coming back to. He came up with strange illnesses and weird excuses anytime the Well returned her to the present with days or months between when it had last taken her. He listened attentively, eyes filled with child-like wonder as she regaled him with tales of her spiritual teachers (a 14th century British nun that told curious villagers Kagome was an unfortunate cousin whose almond shaped eyes were a result of an unknown deformity, a 3rd century Indian sorceress that gave her a flower that would never wilt, a 31st century Japanese priestess who was infusing magic and technology, an Egyptian priestess that showed her how to commune with the dead, an accused witch from medieval Spain and so on and so forth). He cherished intimately the gifts she brought him, clearing out the old junk in the shed to make way for all her little trinkets (which were in truth, priceless historical artefacts should anyone deign to test them). He rocked her in his arms when the memories of her drowning became too much to bear. He stood with her each time she tried to overcome her fear of water, never rushing her or shaming her when her breathing hitched, and the panic attacks began. He loved her fiercely and wholly and she loved him in return.
It was hard for Kagome to accept that no amount of love from her grandfather would make her journey any easier. Each time she returned to the present, she felt like her skull was about to explode. All her memories and teachings were shoved violently into her mind. The months and years she spent in another place, another time, experiences that shouldn’t have been there were crammed into her head fighting to find equilibrium with a body that didn’t match. It was exhausting. Kagome felt as though she was wading through quicksand, a tiring and futile endeavour just trying to keep her head above the surface. It felt like one day she would slip up and sink to the depths below. She fought battle after battle, helped her teachers heal strangers and save souls from demons across time, but her fated evil never showed. There was a secret fear in her soul each time the Well called to her that she would be stuck doing this back and forth for the rest of eternity.
She had lived more than fifty years by the time she was seventeen and she felt those years most when she tried to reconnect with her friends. Kagome’s mind was too scattered across the tides of time to be able to keep up with the rapidly changing technologies and social realities of modern-day Tokyo. At some point, she gave up trying to keep friends. Only Hojo stuck around, always making the effort and ever so understanding when Kagome disappeared without a word. She would tell him her secret one day, she swore to herself. He deserved that much.
When Madam Centipede clawed her way through the Well’s magic and pulled Kagome into Feudal Japan it felt like destiny aligning. Was this her fated enemy? The one she would battle in a blaze of glory, a fight that had been written in the stars from the day of her birth? Kagome was so stunned that the Well had brought her the great evil to end her long journey to her destiny that her years of training had drained from her body and mind. The demon had enough time to bite her scratch at her chest and reveal the tiny pink stone that had been missing since she had made that fateful wish all those years ago. It was there, hidden inside her and Kagome felt its loss when the demon dragged it from her body. Defeating the youkai was much harder than she anticipated and resulted in the jewel shattering into innumerable pieces. With the discovery of the evil hanyou Naraku soon after, it was cemented even more in Kagome’s mind that this was her destiny. She would recover the jewel, defeat Naraku, her fated enemy and return home. Only then would she finally be finished with time travel and fighting demons and wars. Then she would be enough, and it would have all been worth something. It was a dark day, with the enormity of the task before her and the shattered reality of the broken jewel that had been a part of her soul for so long. But in that darkness glimmered shards of hope. Hope that one day she would be free of this wretched destiny she had so foolishly wished for.
It took four years for the jewel to be reconstructed. Over that time, Kagome made many enemies and many friends. With the help of Inuyasha, Miroku, Sango and Inuyasha’s half-brother Sesshoumaru, they amassed an army and rode into battle to rid the world of the scourge of Naraku. When the final battle had finally arrived, Kagome poised herself to strike the final blow. It was here, right before her. The final moment. She readied her stance, her katana held high as the battle raged on around her. She spared a thought, wondering what it would feel like to finally complete her destiny. In the blink of an eye, Inuyahsa dashed in front of her, burying Tessaiga into the evil spider’s neck. Naraku’s head fell with a thud on the battlefield. There was a moment of silence before Naraku’s minions retreated and victory reigned on our heroes. As her friends and comrades in war rejoiced and cried around her, Kagome felt…nothing. There was no joy, there was no celebration from her. Only the empty sinking reality that Inuyasha had stolen her destiny from her.
There were many things to hate Inuyasha for; his aversion to bathing, his crude mannerisms, his hurtful words, his morbid obsession with begging for a piece of her soul to truly resurrect Kikyo, but the moment he took Naraku’s death from her, the feelings she bore for him transcended hatred. She had trained fifty-six years for this moment, suffered the ire of her mother, the loneliness of time travel, felt the weight of her destiny heavy on her chest like a boulder each longsuffering day. Then, with a snap of his fingers Inuyasha had taken it all from her. There would be no triumphant return to her time, no college, no hope of aging naturally for once, no friends, no life. There would only be more senseless fighting and training until one day Kagome cracked and her addled mind compelled her to fall on her sword and die from the madness of it all. It wasn’t enough for him to break her heart, now he had stolen her fate.
The group was lauded as the Heroes of Japan. For nearly three months straight, they were paraded across all of Japan and blessed by every Lord and Lady in every crevice of the nation, both demon and human alike in celebration of Naraku’s defeat. They ended their victory tour in the Kingdom of the Moon, Sesshoumaru’s very own domain nestled in the western hemisphere of Japan. If the villagers were to be believed, their little rag-tag group had brought peace and hope back to the lives of the common man. Each time a tearful villager lamented how much they had suffered under Naraku and how much they were glad to have been saved from the demon, Kagome tasted the bile that filled her mouth and felt a scowl etch itself onto her face. It was hard to save herself from the bitterness.
There were beautiful gifts filled with magic and luxury and feasts and parties like Kagome had never seen before. They were heroes, the lot of them. InuYasha, Miroku, Sango, Kagome, Sesshoumaru...even baby Shippo. They were celebrated and revered and could live the rest of their lives in this time without ever working a day in their lives. It all made Kagome sick. In the eyes of these people and this time, she was set for life but in reality, she felt imprisoned by her fate. She was chained to an unending abyss of fear, one that suffocated her with images of an infinite fight, of no peace, of no hope and of no end. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. She needed something to hold on to, something to hope for. Like a drowning man in search of a lifeboat, she reached out and pulled down the person nearest to her.
Kagome had developed a strained relationship with Sango over the years. They grew into friends, then into lovers and now they were…nothing? No. Not nothing. Definitely something, but what that something was Kagome couldn’t quite say. The longer she thought about it the more her head hurt. All she was certain of was that there was love between them, tender and delicate. Breakable. It had grown steadily in the dark, marinated on stolen kisses behind trees, quickened climaxes in hotsprings, fingers intertwined and hidden beneath blankets; they could never have been open about their love in this time. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t real, that it wasn’t true. The hiding had felt like a collar slowly tightening around Kagome's neck until it had broken them into fragments just as fine and innumerable as the jewel. They parted ways, under the same cover of darkness they had met.
Kagome always wanted more from her life, from Sango and their love. She needed that something more now. She needed Sango to say she loved her, that she wanted to be with her. She needed her to kiss her in front of their friends and tell Miroku to fuck off because she was a taken woman. She needed to be loved loudly in the face of all the pain of her stolen destiny. She was surrounded by magic, here in Sesshoumaru’s feast where little creatures flittered about bringing light as the darkness of the evening slowly crept in. It felt like a fairytale, a place where any dream could come through. If she let herself feel it, Kagome would fly away with the sheer beauty and peace of the space Sesshoumaru had created for their final celebration. For a brief moment she felt warm inside, and then to her horror, she felt hopeful. She shook her head and downed her cup of sake, squashing that hope like the fetid little insect it was before she could be fully infected by its fallacy. There was a part of her that knew there was no point in hoping for the love between her and Sango. It would be tormented and plagued by the sickening, taunting voice that sneered at Kagome for even daring to try. She felt the bitterness of her soul collect in her mouth with a sour taste. It brought with it a desperation that made her feel feral and ashamed for wanting. She swallowed thick and hard as she approached Sango, caught in a polite conversation with a minor demon Lord. In a steady voice that revealed none of the frayed nerves she was feeling, Kagome asked Sango for a private moment to chat.
Sango’s eyes widened at the question, shifting skittishly as if she’d rather be anywhere else. For a moment, Kagome worried that she would say no. There was a pause before Sango nodded and Kagome let go of the breath she didn’t realise she had been holding in. Walking slightly apart, they meandered away from the party, finding a safe place in the thicket of the trees under the cover of darkness once more. When they’d made their way as far from the party as they dared, away from prying demonic hearing they stood across from each other, neither wanting to be the first to break the silence. Kagome felt the corners of her mouth turn sheepishly upwards. Sango broke and smiled back at her. They were alone for the first time in days. The wind slipped across their bodies in a gentle hello, caressing the loose pieces of hair from Sango's jet black braid across her delicate face. Kagome reached out and tucked a strand behind Sango's ear, allowing her hand to graze Sango’s cheek in familiar intimacy. Sango cleared her throat, turning her head away from Kagome’s touch. “What was it you wanted to talk about, Kagome?” Sango asked, avoiding her eyes.
Kagome frowned. She could feel Sango’s irritation but couldn’t understand why. It was she who had broken things off, not Kagome. Something inside her groaned in frustration, begging her to just tell Sango to forget it and head back to the party. But the other part of her craved the impending self-destruction. She decided it was the sake talking, pushing her to make a fool out of herself for love. “Sesshourmaru throws a pretty banging party, don’t you think?” Kagome tried to make small talk.
“Did you see the fairy lights? I think those were actual baby fairies!” Sango cracked a real smile, breaking the tension between them. “Did you see Jaken? Didn’t know that annoying little toad could juggle so well either.”
“Well better use for his hands than trying to jock Sesshoumaru off every two minutes,” Kagome said with a roll of her eyes. This earned a giggle from Sango, egging her on.
“I could hear him now, ‘Oh Master Sesshoumaru, no please let me! Hands as great as yours shouldn’t stoop to do that! Please sir let me!’” Kagome mocked Jaken’s intonation, making a rude gesture with her hands.
Sango erupted into a fit of laughter. Kagome smiled, enjoying the twinkle in her eyes.
“I missed the sound of your laugh,” she said wistfully. She watched Sango’s laughter die out and hints of the tension between them slowly build back up. Without a second thought she stepped closer to Sango, taking her into her arms. When Sango didn’t move, she brought her hand to her ex-lover’s cheek. Sango's face stilled; her eyes grew bigger. Before she could stop herself, Kagome let her lips fall onto Sango’s and felt the world stop spinning for a moment. She lost herself in Sango’s kiss.
When she pulled back, her eyes met Sango’s, expecting to see the heat of passion she felt, but they did not hold the lustre and wonder Kagome was accustomed to seeing. Instead, they felt empty and distant. Kagome felt her stomach sink in fear. “What’s wrong, my love?” she asked, revelling in the warmth of Sango’s smooth skin. Sango flinched, removing Kagome’s arms from around her and holding them in between their bodies. “Kagome, we’ve talked about this before,” Sango said. It wasn’t unkind of her, if Kagome was honest with herself. It was said in a tone that was much like what one would use to gently admonish a child that ought to know better. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Still, Kagome pushed forward. Her head was clear as day, but she would just blame it on the sake. Yes, Sesshoumaru’s demon brewed sake would be the perfect scapegoat for any hell she raught upon herself.
“No, you’ve spoken about this. You said we couldn’t be together anymore. You never said you didn’t love me.”
“You know I can’t,” Sango said, giving Kagome’s hand a small squeeze.
“Can’t what? Can’t love me anymore? But you could marry that disgusting lecher?” the words came out much harsher than Kagome intended. She saw Sango’s face go blank and felt her hands go a little limp in her own.
“Don’t call him that,” Sango replied softly.
“Call him what? A lecher? Or disgusting? Because he’s both if you didn’t realise,” Kagome smirked trying to make a joke. It didn’t land well at all and just made her sound as bitter as she felt.
“Kagome don’t do this. You know. You know how I feel about you. It just- it isn’t the same for me.”
Kagome snatched her hands back from Sango’s. This was an old argument they’d had many times over. One that quickly became cruel and angry until she and Sango were screaming so loudly at each other they forgot what they were fighting about. Kagome felt wild and out of control in her hurt.
“I showed you how easy it could be if you wanted it. I showed you. I took you to my time, took you to the places we could be, where we could walk together, hold hands, kiss in the sunlight.” Kagome saw Sango’s face crumple and worried she was about to make her cry. She couldn’t stop. She’d started and now the words kept coming out of her mouth, rancid and cruel like vomit. “I showed you just how free we could be. But you don’t want it, don’t you. You enjoy hiding, scampering about in the darkness because you’re too much of a fucking coward to love me in the light,” Kagome felt herself spit the words out. Fuck, she thought. That came out much worse than she expected.
Sango didn’t meet her eyes, couldn’t. She kept her gaze hooded and lowered to the floor, a distinct aura of shame curled around her. Sometimes, if Kagome’s emotions ran wild, she could sense changes in a being’s aura. It was strange each time it happened, being able to read someone’s feelings and even impressions of their thoughts. It wasn’t something she enjoyed. It made her feel disconnected from the person, especially when she caught someone in a lie.
"You’re being cruel again, Kagome,” Sango said in a quiet, broken voice, still not meeting Kagome’s eyes.
“Yea, as usual, I’m the villain and you’re being a fucking delight, aren’t you?” Kagome couldn’t stop now that she’d started. She was going to trample over everything until Sango couldn’t bear to spare her a glance. Fuck it.
She thought that would spark the fire in Sango she had come to love, but all she got in return was a gasp. Sango looked up and met her eyes. Kagome felt herself break when she saw Sango’s eyes, red rimmed and brimming with tears.
“Yes. I’m fucking trying here Kagome. Trying to be civil, trying to be realistic. And all you’re trying to do is hurt me,” the tears slid down Sango’s cheek. “I’m not like you! I’m not from your world. I don’t belong there with your mechanised carts and your strange boxes with people living in them and all that fucking noise. And maybe I’m a coward for not loving you the way you want. Maybe I’m a fucking pain for not giving you all that you want. But I can’t. I can’t and I won’t,” Sango was breathing heavily, glaring at Kagome whose own tears had just begun to fall.
“I’m marrying Miroku when we get back to the village, Kagome. I- I wanted you to hear it from me,” Sango didn’t meet her eyes anymore, but Kagome could still see the tears dripping from her face.
Kagome clenched her fists. The tears were streaming down her face, wet and hot and angry. Without thinking, her hands reached out and she pushed Sango so hard that she flew back and hit the soft forest floor with a thud.
“I hope I never see you again,” Kagome ground out through her tears. She took one more look at Sango’s grief-stricken face. Even crying, she was so beautiful. Without a second glace, Kagome darted away, running further into the dense darkness of the western forest.
Her feet pounded erratically into the floor. Kagome felt her tears blur her vision in a stream of uncertainty and regret. Fuck, what did I just do. Shit why the fuck did I just do that. She had done exactly like she thought she would, and properly self-destructed all over the things and the people she loved the most. The trees cleared before her and she heard the distinct crashing of waves. She stopped in her tracks, feeling her chest squeeze in both fear and exhaustion. She took deep breaths in and tried to calm her frantic heart. The salty air tickled her nose. Slowly, she dragged her feet out of the cover of the trees and found herself on a rocky shoreline along the edges of Sesshoumaru’s domain.
For a moment, she stood still, transfixed by the ebb and flow of the black waters. The moon hung in the sky like a teardrop, lonely and content in the clear night sky.
“Kagome…”
Her breath stopped. It was there again. The voice.
“Kagome…come to me Kagome…”
Kagome couldn’t move. In that moment, it didn’t matter how many lives she had lived, how many demons she had faced, how many wars she had won. She was 8 years old all over again, scared and afraid and missing her daddy. Everything was silent. She was here, alone at the shore and she was afraid. But it didn’t mean anything. Sango didn’t love her. Her mother didn’t care one shit sideways about her. And she was tired. She was so, so tired. She should go to the voice. She should step right into the water and let the waves wash her away. Maybe then it would all stop. All the pain, all the fighting. Everything would just stop. She raised a foot, about to make the first step towards the frigid night sea when a clawed hand gripped her wrist.
“Kagome, what are you doing here? Don’t you hate the ocean?” a voice, smooth as butter slid through her dark thoughts and brought her back to reality.
Looking up, she fell into the warm eyes of Sesshoumaru. His brow was furrowed in confusion as he stared intensely into her eyes.
“I- I- yes. I do hate the ocean,” she managed to get out.
“What were you about to do?” he asked, still holding her wrist and drowning her in thick honey pools he called eyes. What was she supposed to say? That he had stopped her from… from… what did he just stop her from doing?
“I- I don’t know,” she frowned, not standing to look into his eyes anymore. It was a strange feeling that washed over her. A moment of clarity that made her question the thoughts that he slinked around her mind just seconds prior. Was she really about to walk into the ocean?
Sesshoumaru gently pulled her away from the shoreline and back under the cover of the trees.
“I thought you hadn’t been to the ocean since your father passed away?” he asked. She could feel his eyes searching her face. For what? She’d forgotten how much she’d shared with him. Over the last few years they had become something like friends. They sparred with each other, training night and day in the months leading up to the final battle with Naraku. At times, she forgot how much she’d shared with him and was always surprised when he revealed how much he remembered.
“That’s right,” she answered evasively.
He tucked his finger beneath her chin and turned her face so that she had no choice but to meet his gaze. She knew he could tell she’d been crying. She was afraid he’d ask her more questions. She was more afraid that she’d have to lie to him. Instead, he took his thumb, gently wiping a tear from her cheek before pulling her into a warm, gentle embrace. At first, Kagome was in shock and then she felt herself break. The tears came hard and fast as her body wracked with sobs. Her hand made their way to return his embrace and she gripped at his kimono as though he was the one thing anchoring her to the floor. Because in a way, he was. She wasn’t quite sure what would have happened if he hadn’t stopped her walking into that water.
To his merit, he said nothing. He just held her, making soothing circles on her back until she finally calmed down. They stood still like that for a while, clinging to each other. Slowly, he untangled her from him.
“How can I help?” he asked. It was earnest and his eyes shone with the unknown. Why did he want to help her?
“Can you take me home?” she asked, her voice small and broken.
He nodded. Without another word, he waved his hand. Slowly, the water in the atmosphere condensed around their feet and a soft cloud lifted them into the sky. She buried her face into Sesshoumaru’s strong chest, letting herself get lost in the safety of his arms.
“We’re here,” his chest rumbled with the deep baritone of his voice.
Within moments, he had brought her to the Well. It sat there, seeming to glow in the pale moonlight. She released him from her grip, all of a sudden feeling shy and embarrassed.
“Th-thank you,” she stuttered out. She felt shaken to her core and drained of all emotions.
He nodded, saying nothing once more. She turned to leave, and he reached out, ensnaring her wrist in his hand once more. He pulled her to his chest and cupped her face in his palms. Her breath hitched in her throat. As soft as a whisper, his lips descended and he placed a chaste kiss in the middle of her forehead.
“Goodbye, Kagome. I hope we meet again.”
Kagome felt her eyebrows knit together in confusion. He waited patiently until she made her way to the mouth of the Well. She glanced back at him, trying to figure out this strange interaction but his face revealed nothing. Without another word she swung her legs over the Well and jumped.
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Author’s Note:
This one was a rollercoaster, putting it lightly. Yes, yes, I know. Not Kagome being a toxic girlfriend. From here on out, everything will move a little more fast paced. Feel free to leave your thoughts and reviews. Xoxo- SITM.