I was sitting in class, not really paying attention to what was happening due to having my mind on something else. I don't know exactly what's wrong with me to be so depressed recently.
Maybe it was due to my father and his alcoholic ways? Or maybe it's because my mother never believes me when I tell her about what happens when she's gone? At least I'm almost done with senior year. Just a few more weeks..
I'll never know, but it's got me stumped. I'm depressed. But everyone get's depressed don't they? Everyone has at least one point in their life where they get this feeling of being empty and a total abyss consumes them.
“Higurashi!” The sound of someone calling her name pulls me from my thoughts as I looked up to see the teacher staring at me with a look that could turn into shooting lasers at any moment. “You need to pay attention rather than daydream. Class is over and has been for five minutes.”
I looked around and noticed I was indeed the only one sitting in the classroom. Packing my book in my bag I gave a small bow and left the room. Making my way to the front gate to meet with my boyfriend and the group I always walk home with my mind started reeling.
While I know that I should talk to someone about me being depressed, I don't know how to go about it. There is Sesshomaru, my boyfriend, but I feel like he isn't the best option for talking to since he doesn't say more than a few words at a time.
I can't talk to Inuyasha, for certain reasons, because he likes to blow things out of proportion with these things and his mouth always says something before his brain registers it. Sometimes I wonder how he managed to not get himself pulverized in middle school.
I jumped a bit when I felt a hand on my shoulder but relaxed when I realized it was just Sesshomaru with all his stoic glory. “Hi. Sorry I completely dazed out for a moment.” I said as I ran my fingers over his cheeks, tracing his marks like I'd never seen them before.
He ran his fingers through the bottom half of my hair, “It's okay, what were you thinking about that distracted you from stopping to greet me?” He asked me as we made out way to the group, a bit of worry in his voice.
Sesshomaru didn't know about my home life. He didn't know my mom was never home and my dad had a serious alcohol problem. I never let him walk me completely home and he's never met my parents, let alone would I want him to since I'm a personal punching bag for my dad.
Sesshomaru just nodded and we started walking with Inuyasha, Miroku and Sango towards our street. Miroku, Sango and I live on the same street while Sesshomaru and Inuyasha live in the more upscale side of town. Coming from a rich and sucessful family, it is to be expected that they live in the fancier part of town.
I walked in the back of the group while everyone was talking I let my mind wander. What would be in store for me when I got home? Would he be home, ready to strike again as if nothing could go wrong with his choice to use me as his own personal self relive? I never know what is going to happen at home, well, until it's already to late. I live my life wearing cover up and make up praying that no one, especially Sesshomaru, notices.
Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, evaporate into thin air and live a peaceful solitude. Sometimes I wish I was never born, but I didn't get a choice. I've contemplated suicide a few times but never did it. I don't want to take an easy way out just because I'm tired of life. What would the people around me say? 'She didn't have it that bad.' or 'She took the easy road rather than riding through it like a trooper.' all these things would be said.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy, because in some parts of my life I am.
One being Sesshomaru, while I always hated him from 3rd grade until almost 7th grade, he did spill his juice on me which was what my hatred for him to spark. But, somewhere along the road, I ended up not only having a crush on him but fell in love with him. Demon or not I still accepted him for who he was, even if that was a giant Popsicle that walked on two legs and always gave off the stoic annoyance of his 'I don't have time for this' attitude.
Then there was my group of friends, while I'll always love them as a family it warms my heart when Miroku does something to get clobbered in the side of the head with Sango's book bag. While they're funny Inuyasha pulls my strings even more. I still remember how we became friends. He ended up tripping over me while running from some jocks.
I was brought back from my thoughts again by a hand squeezing my hand. I looked up at Sesshomaru who looked back at me with some worry in his eyes. I didn't want him to worry, “Yes Maru?”
He took a deep breath, “Are you alright? You haven't spoken a word since we left school and that is not like you.” He paused for a moment and looked ahead at the group that was oblivious to us stopping before he continued, “What are you hiding Kagome?”
I tensed up a bit and tried to think of an excuse. But no matter what I say he'll know I'm lying. Damn demons and their senses, especially him, dog demons. I couldn't well tell him what was on my mind could I? I don't think he'd take that well. I remember the incident where that guy decided to trip me and it resulted in me falling down the stair. Breaking my arm is two places. To say he showed mercy was an understatement, the guy came to school with a broken arm and half his face bandaged up.
“Well, I was thinking about my mom and dad.” I told him as I looked into his eyes. Okay so I told him the half truth, but I couldn't tell him, he'd flip out.
He looked at me for a moment, like he was trying to read my mind. He made a grunting sound and nodded, “Alright, I just worry about you.” He said as he placed a kiss on my temple before he resumed walking.
I bit my lip as we started coming into view of my home. I started to panic a bit but kept semi-calm so I didn't alarm the giant figure standing next to me. I unlaced my fingers from Sesshomaru's hand and wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing my cheek against his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me and gave me a tight hug with a kiss on the forehead that brought butterflies to my stomach.
I was reluctant to let go but I knew if I wasn't home in the next 3 minutes it wouldn't be the best feeling. I looked him in the eyes as a way to silently tell him I love him without having to voice it. His response was the same, he ran his fingers down my cheek and let go of me.
As I made my way up the stairs I could feel him staring at my back, making me want to run back and never go home. I wished that were an option.
When I made it to the top of the stairs I walked straight to the door. Straight into my own hell. I peeked in and listened for anything that would indicate that my parents were home. When I didn't hear anything I assumed no one was home. After removing my jacket, shoes and backpack I made my way to my room.
Stretching a bit I let out a wimper and sighed, “Guess I'd better asses the damage today.” I said as I made my way to the mirror in my closet. Lifting my shirt up a bit I looked over the gash on my rib cage surrounded by the giant almost black bruise. I groaned when I realized the opening had started oozing again and reached for the first aid kit.
I cleaned my battle wound and covered it in gauze. I looked back at the mirror and could feel the sting of tears starting to surface as I stared at myself, “Tomorrow is always a better day...”